Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Elon Musk, fresh off tanking SNL, tanks entire cryptocurrency market

Booooooo. Get off the global stage!
Booooooo. Get off the global stage!
Screenshot: NBC (Other)

Jesus Christ, Elon Musk is such a goddamn jabroni.

Over the weekend, the Sweded Tony Stark hosted Saturday Night Live, during which time he awkwardly attempted “skit” comedy, awkwardly roped in his partner, Grimes, for a cameo, and awkwardly admitted his whole Dogecoin bullshit is essentially one giant Ponzi scheme—a moment of candor that sent the joke cryptocurrency’s inflated value tumbling over 35% within 24hours. So what’s next on Musk’s edgelord agenda this week? Tanking the entire cryptocurrency market, apparently.

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Only three months after announcing they would begin accepting Bitcoin as payment, Tesla CEO Technoking Elon Musk issued an abrupt about-face via Twitter yesterday, revealing that they would cease taking the world’s most popular crypto over concerns regarding the “rapidly increasing use of fossil fuels for Bitcoin mining and transactions, especially coal, which has the worst emissions of any fuel.”

This is certainly a valid concern regarding Bitcoin’s massive energy consumption rates (although there’s something to be said for promoting a transition to renewable energy sources in this endeavor), but it’s also information that has been available for literally years now... something Musk certainly knew when his company bought $1.5 billion in cryptocurrency assets back in February, then sold a portion of its Bitcoin holdings for a tidy $101 million profit after that public purchase sent crypto values soaring.

In any case, Musk’s announcement saw dozens of cryptocurrencies’ worth plummeting over the past 24 hours—Bitcoin, for example, is down nearly 11% at the time of writing this. Ethereum (essentially the silver to Bitcoin’s gold standard), is also down almost as much. As of right now, a quick cross-section glance at other alternative coins will have one seeing a whole lotta red:

Illustration for article titled Elon Musk, fresh off tanking SNL, tanks entire cryptocurrency market
Screenshot: Marketwatch (Fair Use)

Meanwhile, Tesla won’t even say if it actually sold any cars using Bitcoin during the brief three-month window it was an option, and Musk’s SpaceX is still claiming it will finance a moon satellite launch in Dogecoin, for some goddamn reason.

In conclusion: Regardless of your opinion of cryptocurrencies’ longevity, legitimacy, and environmental impact, it should be unilaterally obvious by now that Elon Musk is the CEO Technoking of Exploitative, Meme-Stealing, Goofy-Ass Grifters.

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Andrew Paul is a contributing writer with work recently featured by NBC Think, GQ, Slate, Rolling Stone, and McSweeney's Internet Tendency. He writes the newsletter, (((Echo Chamber))).