C-

American Idol: Results Show

By Claire Zulkey | March 13, 2008 | 2:38am

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Idol apparently got such a huge response to the Lennon/McCartney songbook night that they're making it next week's theme too, but if I could revoke their right to do so, I would, based on tonight's results show.

That thing I said last night about nothing being sacred? Forget about that. I thought I was pretty openminded about how Idol treated the Beatles, until I saw tonight's episode of Horton Hears a Who Brings You Ford Presents Coca-Cola Featuring American Idol. I could tell this was going to be tedious the second that Ryan started his scripted discussion with Jim Carrey in an elephant costume. I figured it couldn't get worse with the multiple cuts to the actor. But then we got the montage of Idol contestants gushing about how their lives have been changed, while on the red carpet for Horton. Oh yeah, while "A Day In the Life" played.

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Will you all do me a favor? Just one favor, and I swear I'll never ask another one? Please do not see "Horton Hears a Who." Tell your friends. Tonight's episode made me hate this movie so much, and I don't even know what it's about.

So irritated was I by this ridiculous cross promotion that I was less upset with Katharine McPhee's version of "Something" than I normally would be. Kat McPhee is certainly a looker but she's really nothing special in the singing department. George Harrison is only my favorite Beatle and only Frank Sinatra called "Something" "the greatest love song ever written," so it perturbed me to see her throw on a showgirl dress and wreak havoc with the lyrics. "You know I believe him now?" But it could have been worse, I guess.

The least offensive but still sucky Beatles-related part of the show was the opening medley. This group seems like it cannot get its shit together when singing in tandem. Someone always seems to come in early, or drop their harmony. They sound quiet. And goddammit, whose idea was it to dance to "Help"? Have they ever listened to the lyrics of the song? At least Chikezie sounded great on "Can't Buy Me Love": I think I'd just rather have him sing 11 Beatles songs next week than the alternative.

Don't let me forget the puns, either. Who will get their ticket to ride? It's been a hard day's night! Why don't we do it in the road, Simon? (I made that last one up.)

Fortunately this great nation at least made everything right by sending Kristy Lee "where's my microphone?" Cook, David Hernandez and Syesha Mercado to the bottom three. As Simon pointed out, we got that one spot-on.

So David Hernandez got sent home. To change gears yet still remain crabby, I feel like there is going to be some online and perhaps talkshow chat regarding whether Idol or this country is homophobic, as David and Danny Noriega, the two most prominently gay (or gay-related) contestants got eliminated in consecutive weeks. Here is the thing, though: people are not voted against on Idol: they are voted for. So Danny's personality or David's former job may not have earned them any new fans but it's not as if America cast negative votes against them because of who they were. Should Kristy Lee Cook have gone home before either of them? Perhaps, but it's not as if either Danny or David was likely to make the finals anyway. Danny never delivered the vocals we saw in his preliminary auditions and David's performances were never consistent, and his onstage persona was almost nonexistent.

More Beatles next week, then. I look forward to the performances, especially to those from the singers who didn't do such a great job last night. As for the results show, I hope the cross promotion dies down or else it's going to make those "Hello Good-Buy" Target ads seem like a thing of tactful creative genius. Grade: C-

Stray observations:

—Re: the computerized call-in portion of the show, I'd almost rather Ryan stand onstage and say "Filler filler filler filler filler filler filler" for three minutes straight, just so we can be real about it.

—I see you Sanjaya. Get the f off my TV screen before I come force you off it.

—I'm not even going to say anything about the Ford music video except that I hope Cake got a buttload of money for it.