Brand names and contract disputes aside, Andrew Callaghan has quickly established himself as an expert at documenting America’s strange, surreal, unhealthy, aspiring Soundcloud rapper underbelly. Back in April, Channel 5—his new, post-All Gas No Brakes gonzo journalism venture—explored the hard seltzer-soaked streets of Miami during COVID-19 spring break. But Callaghan’s latest journey might make the best case yet for everyone to return to a quarantined existence... gird your loins, America, it’s time to see what pickup artists are up to these days.
“The cockblocker we have to watch out for is ourselves,” Vince “The Cock” Kelvin counsels a hotel room full of fellow Criss Angel impersonators and Callaghan at a “secret” pickup artist bootcamp workshop at the Mirage in Las Vegas. Kelvin—a man who, contrary to first impressions, is evidently not a new Sacha Baron Cohen character—apparently holds a shudder-inducing world record for “Most Makeouts.” Apparently, this is enough of a CV to bilk lonely, man-children with misplaced anger out of hundreds of dollars in exchange for tips like:
- “You don’t want to be the nice guy with whom they had a nice conversation.”
- “To be a pickup artist means you gotta pick yourself up, and pick up people. It’s elevation.”
- “You look at a woman and go, ‘I wonder what her insecurities are.’”
- “I have lovely testicles, but actually, you know, I don’t know if they are that big...it’s an illusion.”
What follows is, perhaps unsurprisingly, a montage of men struggling to explain their own emotions, horrific run-ins on the Vegas strip with various people walking past, lots of sexual harassment, and Callaghan doing his damndest to hide his utter horror at the state of humanity in the year 2021.
“This is so portable!” Kelvin announces at one point after literally picking up a woman to the cheers and jeers of a nearby crowd. “That’s sexual assault, bro,” a man yells at him on behalf of the rest of us. Kelvin, of course, seems to have convinced himself otherwise. Keep doing God’s work, Callaghan. The rest of us will gawk at a safe distance.
[via Digg]
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