April 11, 2012
My fiancé and I have been together for six years. We’re both 27. About a year ago, he admitted to me that he is bi—which I was surprised about. I told him that I was bi-curious. We have had talks about meeting with other couples. I am very insecure. I have been with very few men and no women (beyond kissing). Today, he told me that a few weeks ago he signed us up on a personals website and posted a picture of me naked from the waist down on the site. I was shocked and upset. I have NEVER posted nude pics of myself anywhere! I felt this was a violation of my privacy. He says that I wasn’t actively doing anything about getting outside partners, so he wanted to show me that I’m attractive and that other people thought so. He got angry when I tried to explain why I was upset. He said that if this is how I’m going to react, he’d take the whole thing down. When I tried again to explain that I was hurt that he didn’t talk to me first and I actually did want to see the responses, he said, “Fuck it,” he was giving up, and he refused to show me the responses.
1. Is it that ludicrous to be upset about naked pics of me being posted on the Internet without my knowledge?
2. Do I deserve time to think about the naked-pic situation before he gives up?
3. Does he have a right to feel angry with me for being initially upset?
What Should I Do?
1. No.
2. Yes, you deserve some time to think about the naked-pic situation. You might also want to carve out a little time to think about the whole engaged-to-a-manipulative-and-petulant-piece-of-shit situation.
3. No, he does not. Your reaction was not only understandable, WSID, it was one he should’ve anticipated. Maybe he thought it would be easier to ask for forgiveness than permission, and maybe he thought it wasn’t a big deal because it wasn’t a face pic, and maybe he hoped positive responses would heal your insecurities and prompt you to retroactively approve of his actions. He was wrong. But instead of apologizing for his thoughtlessness—instead of taking responsibility for his actions—your fiancé attempted to shift the blame onto you. (You weren’t actively seeking out sex partners, so, like, what other choice did he have?) He’s the one who fucked up, and yet you’re the one who’s in trouble. If he can’t apologize, WSID, if he can’t stop trying to blame you for his own stupidity, if he doesn’t stop withholding those responses from you, per your request, you really should rethink your plans to marry this man. “Bi” and “sexually adventurous” are great traits in a mate; “dishonest” and “emotionally abusive” are not.
I have been with my fiancé for four years. We are happy together and very much in love. When I met him, he was a bit boring, and I brought him out of his shell. But now I’m starting to feel like I’ve created a monster. He has discovered that he is REALLY into some things. For example: trans porn, wearing my lingerie, being on the “receiving end” of my strap-on, etc. All of these things are fine—once in a while. But it makes me feel like less of a woman when all he wants to do is BE THE WOMAN EVERY SINGLE TIME! We have talked about it, and he has cut back, but I can’t help but wonder… is he less satisfied in bed now? I have noticed a drop in how often we have sex after we had the “talk.” I’m getting bored and worried!
Created A Monster
You two may be experiencing—and you may be misinterpreting—a normal four-years-in decrease in the frequency of sex, CAM, or this could be one of those lulls that even couples in LTRs that don’t see a drop in frequency sometimes experience. That the amount of sex you and your fiancé are having fell off steeply in the immediate wake of the “talk” may just be a coincidence.
Only time will tell, CAM, so… you’ll have to give it time.
But you were right to communicate with your fiancé about your unhappiness. You get a gold star for drawing him out of his shell, sexually speaking, and he may have gotten so excited about you being up for watching trans porn, putting him in your lingerie, and pegging his ass that he lost sight of your needs, wants, and desires. It’s possible that he’s less interested in sex now that it’s not all about transgender porn and gender transgression, CAM, but it’s also possible that he’s embarrassed for being such a thoughtless panty-wearing clod and is having a hard time getting things back in gear. You may need to draw him out yet again.
I’m getting married in a few months, and I wouldn’t be so blissfully in love if it weren’t for your advice. Before dating my fiancé, I was dating another guy. One night, we were watching South Park and a joke was made about golden showers. My boyfriend made a half-joking remark, and I instantly thought of a column of yours in which you said men sometimes bring up their fetishes jokingly to gauge their partner’s reaction. It came out that he loved being peed on. I’m GGG, so I mulled it over and decided that I am not comfortable with that. I was able to explain that regardless of how sanitary it may be (one of his selling points!), I am not down, and he deserves to be with someone who is. Couple weeks later, I started talking to my future husband, who has the same kinks as me. Thanks for teaching me that being GGG does not mean doing whatever your partner wants, but to always be respectful, even if it eeks you out.
Soon To Wed
I’m glad you met the love of your life, STW, and here’s hoping your new man doesn’t have a secret kink that’s as bad or worse—or identical to—your previous man’s rather harmless kink. Yes, yes, being into golden showers, or getting off on being pissed on, is pretty kinky, as kinks go. But after a few beers, piss is just so much hot water. I’m not saying you should’ve gone there for your ex, if pissing on him was something you absolutely, positively couldn’t bring yourself to do. All I’m saying is that most people who give piss a chance quickly realize that golden showers aren’t nearly as gross and disgusting—or even golden—as they were led to believe by people who lump piss in with shit when discussing and/or freaking out about other people’s kinks.
That was a great response you gave to the woman who was concerned about her boyfriend stroking his dick and the cat at the same time. I mean, sometimes I’ll start absentmindedly jerking off while watching TV, and it has absolutely nothing to do with what’s on the screen. What if someone walked in and saw me beating off and Geraldo was on the screen? The two things are completely unconnected, and any reasonable person would realize that!
Not Geraldo Tonight
Find the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Got problems? [email protected]
@fakedansavage