Daily Show contributors Roy Wood Jr., Dulcé Sloan, Desi Lydic, Jaboukie Young-White, and Michael Kosta all stared down their home cameras on Thursday and, over sad violin music, laid out the fact that the horrified world is currently watching the death throes of a “failed state.” One where troops roam the streets and gas citizens, the economy has collapsed, “the lines to vote are longer than the bathroom lines at Coachella,” and where disease ravages the land (while the reality show host leader crowds the gullible populace into sweltering enclosed hate rallies to his own toxic vanity). A nation where democracy is floundering, and the healthcare system is irretrievably, venally broken. A country called—wait for it—America.
“Plot twist!,” cried Sloan, with Wood, also shattering the solemnity, announcing, “That’s the Shyamalan right there!” And the Daily Show correspondents (Ronny Chieng apparently being absent under deep cover in preparation), called for drastic measures to fix the seemingly insoluble mess this strife-torn, once-noble nation has become. Looking back to world history for guidance, Wood noted, “If there’s one thing America knows, it’s that when a country needs democracy, you invade it.” But what nation is stable, wise, and, well, just plain nice enough to want to take on the added burden of annexing a teeming, pandemic- and racist-infested new territory like America? What nation would be polite enough to try?
Yup, it’s Canada, the northern neighbor to which the completely sincere Daily Show operatives offered their desperate fealty. After all, as Young-White cajoles, some of our states are “already basically Canadian” (Minnesota, Maine, not-Detroit Michigan), so the transition will be easy. Lydic promised no new languages to learn. (In fact, the Quebecois can ease up and drop one if they want, come to think of it.) Sloan admitted that, sure, there’ll still be Canadian racists, but at least they’ll smile while saying and doing terrible things. (Wood threw the biggest spanner in the potential takeover’s works, showing that picture of Canadian—soon to be American—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau in blackface, noting, “We did great under our last Black president—we’re willing to try yours.”) Young-White did say that bringing along their own, functioning healthcare system is non-negotiable, but, in recompense, all five correspondents promised sincerely to put out hard for their liberators.
Honestly, it sounds like a good deal on both sides, the way The Daily Show’s agents provocateurs put it, despite their collective inability to refrain from mocking the Canadian accent. (No doubt former in-house Daily Show Canadian operatives Samantha Bee and Jason Jones—currently lying low in their top-secret woodland base—can help smooth over any rough transitional spots.) And because any such bold, sweeping transition of power can only succeed with grassroots support, there’s even a website where fed-up Americans can join the call for a new Canadian America. (Last check: 18,420 once-loyal Americans think there’s literally nothing to lose at this point.) As Sloan reminds us all: “If enough of us ask and we do it politely, they can’t say no.”