Come along and that’s it to Coolio’s song for Pornhub
Come on y’all, let’s take a ride; don’t you say shit, just get inside. It’s time to take your ass on another kind of trip—to a porn star car wash, where it will be repeatedly doused with suds while Coolio raps about jerking off. Hip-hop’s foremost tour guide has just released “Take It To The Hub,” a Pornhub-commissioned promo video that invites listeners along on a fantastic voyage to the masturbation depot, where they will be fluffed into self-stimulation by a 50-year-old Coolio, rasping in their ear.
“I saw a pussy and a titty and an ass cheek, it kept a smile on my face since last week,” raps the man who once charted his treacherous journey through the valley of the shadow of death, now enjoying a far more scenic route. Coolio takes a look at his life and realizes there’s nothing left—except ass. There’s some on the right, too.
As Coolio rattles off the names of several porn stars he likes to rub one out to, many more of them strip naked and grind and plaster themselves in official Pornhub stickers, all in an unfettered bukkake of branding. One of them wears a dragon costume, eating a banana and sucking her own tail—because of eroticism. What remains of Coolio’s braids have been twisted into reindeer antlers, for the same reason. It’s all very safe for work, if you are Coolio.
While initial reports suggested that Coolio’s song was a “new single” for the newly minted Pornhub Records—the most literally masturbatory vanity label ever created—and presaging an entire, PornHub-released album, Coolio quickly shot that down in Rolling Stone: