December 3, 2008

My
girlfriend and I have been on-and-off for almost two years. I took her back
after she cheated on me. The only thing now is that she wants to have a
threesome. I am really not down with sharing her, but I am willing to do it
because otherwise some other girl will do it for her. I told her that I want to
be stoned when it happens, because I don't think I can handle it sober. She got
mad because she doesn't like drugs. Then what am I supposed to do?

Lesbian
With One Real Dilemma

You're
supposed to wake the fuck up already.

You
can be in a monogamous relationship with someone, LWORD, or you can be in a
relationship with this woman—but you can't be in a monogamous
relationship with this woman. She's already proven herself to be inept at this
monogamy stuff; she cheated on you, you took her back, and now she's pressing
you to bring in the occasional third. You may not be down with sharing her,
LWORD, but she seems pretty intent on being shared.

Here's
the question you should be asking yourself: Do you want this woman in your life
badly enough to overcome your aversion to sharing? Agreeing to a
three-way—so long as you're baked—doesn't count. A three-way
involving a woman; her reluctant, resentful, self-medicating girlfriend; and
some innocent bystander is unlikely to 1) be very much fun for anyone involved
(particularly your unlucky third) or 2) put an end to your girlfriend's desire
for share time.

Your
girlfriend is seeking to fold her desire to sleep with other women into the
structure of your relationship: three-ways now, perhaps some degree of openness
later. She gets points for being honest this time, but she loses points for
being manipulative and controlling. (Fresh pussy for her, no pot for you?
Please.) And if this three-way is a disaster and you refuse to have
others—which may be the outcome you're subconsciously hoping for—I
predict that your girlfriend will just go back to cheating on you.

So
returning to my original point: If you want a girlfriend you don't have to
share, find another girlfriend. If you want this girlfriend, learn to share.

And
invest in a vaporizer.

I
recently read the novel A
Melon For Ecstasy for an English class, and an interesting debate came up.
The book is about a guy who is sexually attracted to trees and goes around
drilling holes into trees so that he can "seal the deal." Though he feminizes
the trees, he cares nothing about actual human females.

The
debate was centered on this question: Is this man heterosexual? Or is he really
gay? Is he having vaginal sex with a woman or anal sex with a man? Or something
else entirely?

RF

If
the male protagonist in A Melon For Ecstasy is having sexual intercourse with
lady-trees—"feminized" trees—then the male protagonist is a
true-blue, red-blooded, lady-tree-fucking straight boy, RF.

But
it doesn't surprise me that a room full of mostly straight college students
would seek to cast doubt on this character's heterosexuality. "Heterosexual"
for many young people is practically synonymous with "normal." Introduce
college-age straight kids to a not-so-normal heterosexual character, and
they'll spend the rest of the afternoon searching for evidence that the dude is
gay. He can't be straight—he's not normal! This explains the ability of
some in your class to look at lady-tree fucking and see, of all things, "anal
sex with a man." Isn't santorum bad enough? Do we have to worry about splinters
now too? (Queer-studies kids who read homosexuality into obviously straight
fictional characters are, for the record, just as annoying.)

I
have to disagree with your response to SHEESH, the guy who asked his Dom to
show him that her dildo was clean. He is right and the Dom is wrong. Period.
You should never let anybody stick anything into your body unless you know
where it's been. Just because somebody is a bottom, he doesn't have to be
reckless. This isn't about being uppity. This is about staying healthy.

So,
bravo for Mr. SHEESH.

Critiquer

I
was inclined to side with SHEESH, as I said in my response, until he indicated
that his Dom, who had asked him not to contact her again, was a Savage Love reader. If SHEESH was using my column to
get back at his Dom, well, how badly did he behave during his sessions with
her? (And remember: We only had SHEESH's version of events to go on.) But like
I said in my column: "[If] she is unwilling to pause, step out of her role, and
renegotiate a scene that's already underway, SHEESH… you are well rid of her."
But most people thought my advice for SHEESH blew chunks…

Your
response to SHEESH belittles the rights of submissive men (myself included).
Maybe this particular sub had a bit of an obsession with hygiene, and his
mistress (let's not forget who is the employee here) asked him to leave out of
self-righteous pettiness. However, it doesn't even matter what actually happened,
because you have empowered dominant women to demand more and give less.

Unsatisfied
Male Sub

Thanks
for sharing, UMS, and I'm sure all the pro Doms out there appreciate the
reminder about who the employee is. Moving on…

I
don't know what PRO Dom that idiot SHEESH is seeing, but ALL pro Doms worth
their weight in latex use CONDOMS over dildos. ALWAYS. This pro may have just
not gotten around to throwing the condom on it, and she saw this as an
opportunity to get rid of a bore. But shared toys always need a condom for
EVERYONE'S protection.

S&M;
101

Thanks
for SHARING, S&M; 101…

Thank
you! I'm a professional Dominatrix in NYC, and I all but gave your response to
SHEESH a standing ovation. I mean, really: Does he expect anyone to believe
that she would just throw away a quality client for shits and giggles? In this
economy? Gimme a break. He was obviously a douche.

After
the recent legal/press issues that NYC pros have had to deal with, it was great
to see someone have our back in print. First Barack Obama gets elected, and now
Dan Savage shows pro Doms some love: Things are looking up!

Anonymous
Whip-Toting Flog-meister

Thanks
for sharing, AWTF. And speaking of Barack Obama, and in the spirit of
dominance, I'm going to order everyone out there reading this to send a
postcard to Obama, reminding him that 1) he made certain promises to the gay
community during the campaign (repeal DOMA, scrap DADT) and 2) he needs to keep
'em. Send your postcard to:

President-elect
Barack Obama
Presidential
Transition Office
Kluczynski
Federal Building
230
S Dearborn St, 38th Floor
Chicago,
IL 60604

Find
more info at Jointheimpact.com.

Download
the Savage Lovecast (my weekly podcast) every Tuesday at thestranger.com/savage. Got problems? [email protected]