Decades before Disney began cannibalizing its library and pooping out “live-action remakes” for fun (?) and profit, there was Splash—the somewhat horny and occasionally disturbing live-action remake of The Little Mermaid that we truly deserve (honorable mention: that one episode of Shelley Duvall’s Faerie Tale Theatre). Now, when you think of the film Splash—as we all often do, many times a week—what comes to mind? Tom Hanks. Mermaid Daryl Hannah and her luxurious blonde beach waves. Mermaid Hannah shoving whole-ass lobsters into her mouth. Butts? Were there butts? Probably. It was the ’80s and the butts were free and plentiful and we had no shame.
You may not remember the butts of Splash, but Disney does. And sorry, but butts are indecent. They make doo-doos and stinky trumpet sounds. They are unseemly. They are not meant for public consumption, no matter what those darn millennials tell you. Butts should be mentioned but never seen, and only by children in their playground jesting or by doctors in clinical settings. And so, in an effort to make Splash of all things more family-friendly for Disney+ viewers, Disney has found a rather novel solution to covering Daryl Hannah’s behind area—lest it awaken the children too early from their innocent, oblivious slumber, as if Daryl Hannah’s badonkadonk is the trigger for horny sleeper agents.
The above tweet is pretty spot-on with the “digital fur technology” reference, but this “edit” of Splash is also weirdly and specifically evocative of the VH1 cut of Showgirls, in which Elizabeth Berkley, Gina Gershon, et al. have their nude bodies covered with what can only be described as “bikinis designed by an eight-year-old girl in an early version of MS Paint.”
Would anyone have actually remembered the butts in Splash if Disney hadn’t drawn our attention to them with this bit of advanced digital wizardry? And what is so bad about butts, anyway? They’re only naughty if you look at them that way. Is Disney seriously telling us that we cannot be trusted to process images of butts responsibly? Rude.