Disney supercomputer selects Big Thunder Mountain as next theme park ride for franchise maximization

By Sean O'Neal | November 13, 2012 | 9:44pm

Aux Features TV

Though briefly dormant while its Lucasfilm upgrade was installed, the Disney supercomputer responsible for crunching imagination algorithms has discovered another theme park ride that hasn't been retrofitted with a narrative expansion yet, processing its output of "Big Thunder Mountain" with a newly installed, THX-enhanced "ping." After indexing all franchising variables, it was determined that the roller coaster involving a loose narrative about trains, gold mining, and a town haunted by angry Native American spirits would function most efficiently as an ABC TV show—especially given that Disney's last attempt to combine the American West with trains and supernatural Native American stuff cost way too much money.

Ice Age: Continental Drift's Jason Fuchs and Fast & Furious' Chris Morgan have been attached to write and executive produce, respectively, the Big Thunder Mountain Roller Coaster Weekly Human Entertainment Program, their names chosen from an array of screenwriters familiar with geological phenomena and things going very fast. "LET MOUNTAIN = 'THE ROCK'," the computer attempted to add, only to crash once it was inputted that The Rock is a living person and not an actual rock formation.