Fess up, Andrew Cuomo: Are your nipples pierced or what?

By Andrew Paul  |  March 31, 2020 | 3:26pm
Aux Features Andrew Cuomo
Fess up, Andrew Cuomo: Are your nipples pierced or what?
Photo: Barcroft Media

For weeks we were warned that this nation was in no way prepared for the havoc the coronavirus pandemic will rain upon us, and guess what? We really probably should have listened to those warnings more closely. We know things are getting really unpredictable, with every day’s news cycle throwing us more curveballs than we can handle, but, folks, yesterday might have been the day that finally broke us.

It began with a single image that, upon the slightest bit of examination, appeared to infer a truly dangerous turn in this pandemic saga:

We’re really, really hoping our eyes are deceiving us here, but that’s totally Governor Andrew Cuomo’s nipple piercing. Right?

Alternate theories have been offered to dispel this potentially cursed bit of information, the most convincing of which is that Gov. Cuomo innocently forgot to remove Band-Aids from his nipples after his morning run. But, even if this were the case, the phrase “Andrew Cuomo Nipple Chafe” is still at least a week’s worth of nightmare fuel.

For a deeper dive into this stomach-churning saga, tune into yesterday’s episode of Tim Heidecker’s Office Hours, in which he and co-host Vic Berger break down one of the year’s grossest mysteries.

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