Last night’s Oscar ceremony was, by all accounts, the worst thing to happen to television since the premiere of ABC’s Conveyor Belt Of Love. For the Internet, the only way to survive this grueling ordeal was to joke about it relentlessly with friends, as we did last night on the Oscar live-blog. You can relive four-and-a-half hours of Oscar blogging here, but to save you time, we present this sampling of highlights from our writers and readers:
On fashion:
“Portman’s ears are graduating from high school tonight.” (The Dude Abides, on Natalie Portman’s tassel earrings)
“This is Christian Bale’s playoff beard.” (Bomb Voyage)
“She just whipped it together out of some gaffer tape.” (Donna Bowman, on Anne Hathaway’s purple dress)
On the montages:
“I love the montage. But just one piece of advise: Lose ‘the.’ Just ‘montage.’” (hideo)
“In the beginning, movies were made of rocks.” (William T. Goat, Esq.)
“Am I the only person who invariably wants when-they-were-young anecdotes to end, ‘… and that kid's name was Richard Nixon.’?” (Sam Adams)
On Kirk Douglas:
“Kirk Douglas: Not dead, but not not dead.” (Natalie Portmaneau)
On Melissa Leo’s profanity:
“Only two more fucks before they get an NC-17” (Tom)
“What profanity will Unkrich say? My money’s on ‘cock’” (Noel Murray)
On the exit music playing during Aaron Sorkin’s speech:
“Those strings can hover for as long as you talk, Sorkin” (Noel)
On the self-congratulatory ABC executives:
“They lack the raw, animal charisma of the Price-Waterhouse folks.” (Nathan Rabin)
On the technical Oscars:
“The sound guy from The Social Network: ‘taptaptapspacebartaptaptap.’” (Jaime)
“Hopefully this win opens up the Oscars to Wolfmen everywhere.” (Kara Thrace)
On James Franco’s hosting skills:
“Franco’s hosting shtick is approaching ‘performance art’ level.” (Noel)
“I like that James Franco has realized how terrible all of this is and has just decided to play the whole thing like a 6-year-old entertaining an old folk's home with a stand-up routine written by his mom.” (Todd VanDerWerff)
On Oprah’s appearance:
“‘Look under your seats. You’re all unbelievably wealthy.’” (chernobylfrog)
On Exit Through The Gift Shop’s loss for Best Documentary:
“Someone in the audience is quietly hiding a monkey-mask under their seat.” (The Professor)
On Billy Crystal:
“Billy Crystal has been MIA for years hunting Curly’s gold.” (Nathan)
"Joke about the Oscars running long again… immediately followed by an unstructured rambling speech and a bunch of meaningless references to cinema's past." (Tasha Robinson)
On the 127 Hours Best Song performance:
“I feel like I should be getting a massage while this is playing.” (Nathan)
On Gwyneth Paltrow’s shaky vocal performance:
“Hey, it’s Apple’s new iMicrophone.” (hideo)
“Why, Mrs. Paltrow, you certainly are looking iron deficient this evening.” (Seandor)
“I’m so wanting to give away the ending of Country Strong right now.” (Scott Tobias) “Does it take place on 9/11?” (Noel)
On Halle Berry’s Lena Horne tribute:
“Halle Berry remembers Lena Horne. And where she left her keys.” (Sam)
“She was a world class opera singer and I was in Bulworth and played Storm.” (Bomb Voyage)
On the absence of politics:
“What I want: for someone to refuse their Oscar out of solidarity with the Wisconsin protesters and send someone to the stage wearing a cheesehead hat, Sacheen Littlefeather style.” (Keith Phipps)
On Jeff Bridges’ remarks about Jesse Eisenberg’s Oscar-nominated performance:
“You captured the spirit of an entire generation by playing a self-absorbed asshole.” (Nathan)
On Colin Firth’s Oscar victory:
“He finally has the Oscar he deserved for What A Girl Wants.” (Todd)
“‘I am feeling strong feelings, which I’ll wittily allude to rather than express’” (Sam)
“Firth: ‘I’m gonna go jerk it.’” (The Dude Abides)
“We now go live to Colin Firth, furiously masturbating backstage.” (trainofbutter)
On PS. 22 playing us out:
“And now a choir, that will inevitably have its funding cut.” (Dan)