We learned yesterday that Snoop Dogg, the famous rapper/actor/pinecone admirer, is going to release his own brand of cereal called Snoop Loopz. They look like Froot Loops but with marshmallows added into the mix. They’re part of a line of breakfast foods that Snoop’s putting out with Master P. The official website explains that cereal sales will benefit charity and quotes John 6:35 very literally. The mascot is a blue cartoon dog and the back of the box promises that the cereal within is “Berry delicious fo shizzle!”
Having absorbed all of this information, most of us were content to go on with our days, unwilling to invest ourselves in the concept of Snoop Loopz until a box of them materializes on the shelves of a nearby grocery store.
Not Jack White. The existence of this cereal has captivated him. It’s grabbed a hold of his brain, forcing him to post on Instagram about the marshmallow-filled psychic labyrinth he’s found himself lost within as a result of the Loopz.
After “personally [congratulating] Snoop Dogg on his new cereal release” and offering “a pat on the back for [the] charitable benefits that it will be producing,” White goes on to pose a “couple of important questions about the box that the cereal is delivered to customers in.”
White notes that the box’s cover says that it contains “MORE MARSHMALLOWS,” which leads him to questions that will, we expect, never be properly answered. “More than what?” he asks. “If this is in fact a brand new cereal, it can’t be more marshmallows than ‘before.’” White wonders if the box’s claim means “that this cereal has more marshmallows than say ... a bag of sand, or a typical caesar salad?”
“Or, is it a DEMAND from Snoop Dogg himself that we just have more marshmallows in the world in general?” White asks. “That last theory is my hope.”
The post ends with White demanding answers to his questions. Whether Snoop will decide to address this impassioned plea is anyone’s guess, but we hope he’ll see just how important it is that he does so and offer mercy to a fellow musician stuck in unending mental Loopz of sugary confusion.
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