Jeff Sessions’ anti-marijuana platform no match for stoned people on the internet
Jefferson Beauregard Junebug Peach Tea Mama’s Collard Greens And Segregation, Yum-Yum Sessions III—or just plain old “Attorney General Jeff” to his friends—recently echoed the Trump administration’s plans to crack down on one of the few things that makes its existence tolerable, hinting that the Department of Justice may soon begin coming after recreational marijuana users, even in states that have already legalized it.
“States can pass whatever laws they choose,” Sessions said at Tuesday’s annual meeting of the National Association of Attorneys General, reiterating that—regardless of their adorable little laws—it remains the federal government’s opinion that marijuana distribution is illegal. It’s also long been Sessions’. With the zeal that could only come from a man who spent his late-’60s college years in the Young Republicans, never getting laid, and being the subject of Bob Dylan’s “Ballad Of A Thin Man,” Sessions has been complaining about marijuana for much of his career. In fact, Jeff Sessions hates weed with such a fervor, when he was a U.S. attorney in Alabama, he once joked that he thought Ku Klux Klan members who brutally murdered two young black men were “okay until I found out they smoked pot,” ha ha ha, wheeee, this man is in charge of enforcing all the laws in our nation now. And with his recent appointment, he finally has the power to go after marijuana and all those damn, dirty hippies who similarly laughed at him.
Of course, proving that weed—which has already been legalized in eight states, and made available for medicinal purposes and decriminalized in many others—represents a pressing threat to our nation’s safety won’t be easy for Sessions, particularly given that the majority of Americans believe it should be legalized, don’t believe the federal government should enforce its prohibition, and generally think it’s stupid to care so much about this. For these skeptics, Sessions has begun slowly laying out his anti-marijuana platform, making a well-considered case for it as a debilitating, insidious evil that’s corrupting our youth and contributing to violent crime, thus giving stoned people on the internet something to rip to pieces.
“I’m not sure we’re going to be a better, healthier nation if we have marijuana being sold at every corner grocery store,” Sessions said Tuesday, offering the kind of easy lay-up that even someone who just smoked an eighth of Blueberry Headband could dunk on, particularly if you are aware that alcohol also exists.
Sessions: you can buy pot at the grocery store
Almost every 16-30 year old male: holy shit I live in the wrong area then