Establishing a clear hierarchy in hopes to prevent further bloodshed, Forbes has named Jennifer Lawrence the Most Powerful Actress, her dark rule officially begun according to our nation’s most tireless indexer of culture according to money and arbitrary guidelines. Lawrence’s power is derived from many sources, including the box-office takes of The Hunger Games and X-Men franchises; her three Academy Award nominations and one win; the vaguely defined measure of “fame” that factors into Forbes’ overall Celebrity 100 list; the serpent god Set, who bestows immortality upon those who amuse him at awards shows, etc. But most importantly, Jennifer Lawrence has the power of getting people to click on headlines if her name is in them, even just to read a list pared down from a larger list along gender and occupational lines. Or to read an article mocking that list, while also shamelessly making use of it.
To sit atop her throne of actress skulls on the mountain of Q-ratings, Jennifer Lawrence first defeated Sandra Bullock—whose earnings for Gravity and The Heat still couldn’t match Lawrence, and certainly didn’t help her beat Lawrence to the slaying of the Erymanthian boar. Why, Lawrence had already fashioned the monster’s tusked head into a fear-inducing helmet that she charmingly, folksily joked about getting Doritos dust on before Bullock and third-place finisher Angelina Jolie had even entered the arena.
It was a particularly embarrassing fall for Jolie, who was named Most Powerful Actress in 2013, despite not being seen in a movie for three years. And even though Maleficent is now Jolie’s biggest live-action movie ever—and it actually opened within the capricious time frame set by Forbes—it still wasn’t enough to protect her sovereignty against Lawrence. Hopefully Jolie has now learned the folly of not simply taking her crown and absconding to live beneath a volcano.
Rounding out the Top 5 of these Most Powerful Summoners Of Actressing were Scarlett Johansson, back after a six-year absence thanks to Captain America and the cycles of the moon; and Jennifer Aniston, a perennial also-ran who will never attain true power until she is swollen with an heir to carry out her terrifying reign, as foretold in the stars.
Meanwhile, every other female in Hollywood has been made ready to sacrifice gladly their bones for Jennifer Lawrence’s breakfast, as are the eternal and hideous rules of acting.