Jimmy Kimmel follows Kid Rock's lead, performs alternative "All-American" WHCD roast

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner—or, rather, the event with that name this year—will take place tomorrow in Washington, D.C. Pre-Trump 2.0, the event was traditionally hosted by a comedian who roasts politicians and hands out awards to the D.C. press. This year, there will still be awards—the Wall Street Journal, actually, will receive an award for its coverage of the letter sent to Jeffrey Epstein signed by Donald Trump that was the subject of a lawsuit—but there will be no comedian host, most likely in an effort to get the president to actually show up. So, last night, Jimmy Kimmel used his show to do a roast of his own. 

Following in the footsteps of Turning Point USA and Kid Rock, Kimmel presented his alternative, “All-American White House Correspondents’ Dinner.” Says Kimmel at the top of the set, “The president didn’t want me to tell any jokes about him tonight, but he didn’t want to pay me $130,000 to shut up, so here we are. Sorry mushroom dick!” The segment is, obviously, pretty crude overall, as Kimmel takes aim at not just Trump but pretty much everyone in his orbit. Some jokes that caught this writer’s attention include: 

“As you’re well aware, Melania’s a movie star now. Her documentary had a score of 10% on Rotten Tomatoes, which is a website named after her husband’s testicles. I wanna congratulate you, Madame First Lady, on your huge accomplishment: The world’s first motionless picture.”

“Stephen Miller is so racist, the reason he went bald is because his hair was black. Stephen Miller puts the ‘cyst’ in ‘white supremacist.’ He’s like if baby Hitler traveled in time to kill us.”

“Trump announced that he wants to reopen Alcatraz and Kash was like, ‘You had me at ‘alca.’ I’m not saying Kash Patel has a problem, but his designated driver is Pete Hegseth.” 

“Pete’s hair has more oil in it right now than the Strait of Hormuz. And don’t worry about the strait, Pete has a plan, I know that for a fact. His wife accidentally butt-texted the plans to me. Later on, Pete’s gonna read us a Bible passage from Pulp Fiction, so stick around.” 

“When Eric was born, he was so ugly his father asked Pam Bondi to redact his name from the birth certificate. Eric, I’m so sorry you were able to make it tonight, but you look great. You look like an elbow with a face on it.” 

“Brendan Carr is the head of the FCC. Back in September, he tried to get my affiliates to throw me off the air. He said we could do this the easy way or the hard way—same thing he said to Lindsay Graham ten minutes ago in the all-gender restroom.” 

The official White House Correspondents’ Dinner kicks off tomorrow night, April 25, at 8 pm ET. It will be hosted by mentalist Oz Pearlman and will probably have very little in common with what Kimmel just delivered.