July 10, 2013

I’m a 26-year-old straight female. I’m writing because I need to ask someone what to think right now. I just fucked a guy while on holiday in Costa Rica. I thought I was sex-positive and adventurous, so why do I feel so ashamed? I’m dating a boy back in the U.S. who I absolutely adore, but we’re not necessarily exclusive. The guy was a 22-year-old local—I thought he was so sweet. But he did that bullshit “fuck her and then get her out of bed and drive her home” shit. I told him it wasn’t okay, and he made excuses. I feel so fucking pathetic right now. Is this because I did something stupid? Is this a natural feeling? Or is it a result of some deep psychological self-induced slut-shaming? Why would he kick me out like that? Please help me wrap my head around this.
Truly Underestimated Risk In Sexual Tourist Adventure

You had a one-night stand, and the dude wouldn’t let you spend the night, and now you’re having a meltdown about it. Why this reaction? Because before you could give yourself permission to fuck this guy, you had to convince yourself that this encounter wasn’t, in fact, about two people using each other. Like a lot of people who want to have one-night stands—men and women, gay and straight, locals and tourists—you psyched yourself up to believe that you two had some sort of meaningful insta-connection. (“I thought he was so sweet.”) You convinced yourself that if circumstances were different—if you were single, if you lived in Costa Rica—you could see yourself dating this guy. You rounded this dude up to boyfriend material, TURISTA, but the way he treated you after the sex was over—“Okay, lady, back to the hotel”—stripped away your illusions: He was a player, and you had been played.

Was your reaction sex-negative? Yes, it was. Are you slut-shaming yourself? Yes, you are. You did something kind of sleazy on vacation, TURISTA, just like millions of other people before you, and you misjudged someone. But who hasn’t?

As for why he kicked you out, TURISTA, I couldn’t tell you. Maybe he’s in a relationship that’s “not necessarily exclusive,” and his girlfriend was coming over in the morning and wouldn’t appreciate finding a turista—yet another one—in his bed.

Here’s what BDSM author, educator, and activist Jay Wiseman has to say about choking in his book SM 101: A Realistic Introduction: “I know of no way whatsoever that suffocation or strangulation can be done that does not intrinsically put the recipient at risk of cardiac arrest… I know of no reliable way to determine when such a cardiac arrest becomes imminent. If the recipient does arrest, the probability of resuscitating them, even with optimal CPR, is small.”

Even if choking weren’t dangerous—posts about people accidentally killing themselves during solo choking scenes appear on fetish blogs with depressing regularity—being this woman’s boyfriend/assailant has to be tedious. Even if choking were safe, THROTTLE, you need to ask yourself if you wanna spend the rest of your life with someone who’s as inconsiderate, selfish, and sexually limited as your girlfriend seems to be.

Let’s do a quick risk/reward analysis, LUST. By hitting on this woman, you’re risking your relationship with your best friend, your best friend’s sister, your best friend’s mom, and all future family holiday/vacation invites for the potential reward of getting into the pants of your best friend’s hot married older sister once or twice. Seems like a lot to risk if you ask me, LUST, and you did. That said, there are a lot of married bi women out there. But if Gladys has an open relationship with her husband—or if they’re actively searching for a unicorn—it would be better if they made the first move. So keep flirting and live in hope.

Thanks for the lovely note, ENGLISH, and tell your boyfriend I said hello. And remember, dear readers, if you’re not listening to my weekly podcast—check out our brand-new site at savagelovecast.com—you’re not getting your full weekly dose of Savage Love.