Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Let Gwyneth Paltrow explain why water has feelings

Illustration for article titled Let Gwyneth Paltrow explain why water has feelings

Suggesting that merely the act of toweling off after a bath qualifies as a conscious uncoupling, unprocessed thinker Gwyneth Paltrow has shared her belief that water has feelings—and like that of a highly paid actress who regularly expresses her advice on how to attain her lifestyle, these feelings can be so easily hurt. Paltrow quietly sounded the warning bell about water in her semi-regular GOOP newsletter, secure in the knowledge that—as far she is aware—water doesn’t read the Internet, and so it wouldn’t learn that Gwyneth Paltrow thinks it’s emotionally fragile. But everyone else now understands the importance of remaining upbeat around their Fiji bottles and sinks, lest their sour moods affect the one thing still acceptable to consume on a GOOP diet.


“I am fascinated by the growing science behind the energy of consciousness and its effects on matter,” Paltrow says of the rapidly expanding branch of science known as “pseudo-science,” which is embodied by the work of Dr. Masaru Emoto. As she explains to a fascinated Gwyneth Paltrow, the possibly cartoon Dr. Emoto is best known for The Hidden Messages Of Water, in which he documented experiments with writing words such as “I hate you” and “Fear” on vials filled with water that, he claimed, became “gray, misshapen clumps” when frozen. Conversely, writing “I love you” and “peace” on polluted water supposedly yielded “gleaming, hexagonal crystals,” of the sort you would be happy to serve at your next dinner party. All of this was documented in that most renowned of scientific journals, the coffee table book.

“I have long had Dr. Emoto’s coffee table book on how negativity changes the structure of water, how the molecules behave differently depending on the words or music being expressed around it,” Paltrow writes, possibly by way of explaining her recent separation from Coldplay’s Chris Martin, whose music was only making her water sad. After all, Gwyneth Paltrow certainly did not have her assistant harvest macrobiotic water—which originated in rain created by non-fat clouds, was filtered through the blades of tree leaves that personally know Sting, and mixed with the piss of aphids doing yoga—just to have Chris Martin turn it to poison with his warbling.

Implausible as it seems, Gwyneth Paltrow’s theory of mood affecting liquids has been corroborated with extensive research by scientists of equal standing.

So in conclusion, it is probably best to only say positive things around water. And also around Gwyneth Paltrow—who is, after all, 80 percent water.

[via New York Daily News]