Let's cross our fingers that we don't all die because the president tweets like a goddamn middle-schooler

Donald Trump is on a foreign relations tour this week, a sentence perfectly calibrated to remind us all that we might not live long enough to die of heart disease, cancer, or sexual harassment scandal-induced despair. Not, that is, when the President Of The United States is taking time out of his busy diplomatic schedule to call the leader of a rival nuclear power “short and fat,” for no conceivable reason.

But hey, we don’t want to get branded with a spittle-flecked hashtag, so let’s be clear: Trump explicitly didn’t call North Korean leader Kim Jong-un “short and fat” tonight, because American foreign policy has now descended to the sarcastic middle school sniping level of international affairs:

Trump’s tweet presumably references that time the North Korean government called him a “dotard,” suggesting that the lag time on the president’s dictionary look-ups is stretching out to at least a month by now. (Meanwhile, we can at least content ourselves with the fact that he’s only verbally burning people at this point, instead of threatening to destroy them en masse.)