M. Night Shyamalan's New Movie Will Make You Want To Kill Yourself

By Amelie Gillette  |  February 5, 2008 | 3:54pm
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M. Night Shyamalan's New Movie Will Make You Want To Kill Yourself
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Twisty mystery auteur M. Night Shyamalan has a new movie coming out, and it appears that he's not trying anymore. Why does it appear that way? Well, for one thing, his new movie is called The Happening, a title that is second only to The Wha?!?, and The Whatevs in terms of both description and effort. Secondly, the movie is about people in New York City killing themselves for no real reason, and, well, we already have that movie. It's called Cloverfield. Except in Shyamalan's version, the monster is the environment (this is apparently his "green" movie) or something else that will be revealed in a third-act twist you would have seen coming had you stayed awake.

So, what will The Happening's inevitable, surprise twist ending be? Here are a few ideas:

—It's all fake! Everyone just pretended to kill themselves in order to help Mark Whalberg hone his scientific skills. You're welcome for your education, Mark.

—Everyone was secretly listening to "Suicide Solution."

—There's a magical girl from a lake whose mere existence makes everyone want to kill themselves.

—Magnets

—Everyone was already dead. Zing!

—The government killed the last unicorn, and the smell of the unicorpse wafted from Washington DC all around the country, causing the entire populace to kill themselves. (Just one more reason why you should never kill the last unicorn.)

—Global warming heated up all the viruses in the world, turning them all into super-suicide viruses.

—People have developed gills, and they kill their human selves so they can make the transition to ocean living easier.

—Superheroes have turned evil and released some sort of gas.

—The last shot is a zoom out to reveal that New York City was inside of a giant volcano all along. And, seriously, if you found out you were living in a giant volcano, you'd kill yourself too.

—Aliens. (Hint: It's always aliens.)

 
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