Of the various things that were annoying about last year’s A Minecraft Movie—its aimless plotting, the “Chicken Jockey” memes surrounding it, its franchise-ensuring success, etc.—its name actually rated pretty low. Sure, there’s a mild cynicism at play in suggesting that this was only a Minecraft movie, because a million more would soon be on the way, now with Kirsten Dunst apparently in tow. But there was nothing about it that was actively vexing.
The same cannot be said for today’s reveal that the film’s sequel will be called A Minecraft Movie Squared, a title that is already threatening to burrow into the vulnerable grudgemeat of our brains and lay down roots. Let’s start, for instance, with the fact that the world of Minecraft isn’t made up of squares, but cubes, which are kind of like squares, but more so. So, right from the jump, the pun has failed, presumably so the movie can employ a superscript in its marketing without making anybody think they missed part of the franchise’s incredibly in-depth narrative. (That is, it’ll be A Minecraft Movie2, instead of the more apt A Minecraft Movie3.)
But also, that is not what “squared” means! If we were actually squaring the original film—i.e., A Minecraft Movie 1—we would, obviously, be left with A Minecraft Movie 1 all over again, because that’s what happens when you square a single thing. So A Minecraft Movie Squared is actually less than good ol’ A Minecraft Movie 2 would be. We will be writing several strongly worded letters to this effect, and hope director Jared Hess and the other people in charge of the franchise address this on their way to making another billion dollars, while increasingly dead-eyed theater employees attempt to survive whatever horror this new film wreaks upon their lives.
News of A Minecraft Movie Doubled Or Whatever You Want To Call It was announced as part of the gaming franchise’s Minecraft Live event, and also included a teaser featuring Dunst, Jack Black, Danielle Brooks, and Jason Momoa. (Oh, and Matt Berry, because rabid children go even rabid-er for the smooth tones of a Matt Berry voice performance, we guess.) The film arrives in theaters in July of 2027.
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