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Nobody wants to fuck this frog

Screenshot: Match.com

Pictured above is Romeo. Romeo is a Sehuencas water frog. He is also a big-time loser who can’t get laid.

Scientists at Bolivia’s Cochabamba Natural History Museum, where Romeo lives, believe Romeo is the last known frog of his kind. Since Romeo is believed to be 10 years old, and Sehuencas water frogs generally live to be 15, these scientists would really like to see him get some action for the sake of his species. It is not clear if Romeo has ever fucked, but one thing for certain is that he is definitely not fucking right now. In February, sick of watching Romeo consistently fail to score any tail whatsoever, Romeo’s keepers created a Match.com profile for him.


“I tend to keep to myself and have the best nights just chilling at home, maybe binge-watching the waters around me,” the incel frog’s miserable profile reads. “I do love food, though, and will throw a pair of pants on and get out of the house if there’s a worm or snail to be eaten!”

Romeo’s Match profile also contains a link to a donations page where people who just can’t deal with how goddamn hopeless this frog is can throw him some pity cash. Since February, that page has raised around $25,000.


Unfortunately, like some kind of amphibian Silicon Valley software engineer, suddenly becoming rich has not made Romeo any more fuckable. According to a new update from AFP, Romeo has not come close to finding anyone who can stomach the thought of having sex with him and the situation is becoming even more desperate than usual.

“We are at the emergency point where we have to find more of his species, or it will go extinct,” said the Natural History Museum of Cochabamba’s Teresa Camacho Badani. Camacho notes that if a frog willing to sleep with Romeo actually somehow exists, it would most likely live in water in Bolivia at an elevation of between 2,050 and 3,600 meters.


Quite simply, scientists say that someone is gonna have to fuck this frog, and soon. Unfortunately for Romeo, the fact of the matter is that no one wants to fuck this pathetic dope of a frog. Can you blame them?

Send Great Job, Internet tips to gji@theonion.com


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About the author

Gabe Worgaftik

Contributor, The A.V. Club.