Paramount is making another sequel to The Ring that hopefully won’t kill everyone who sees it

By Sam Barsanti | July 19, 2014 | 1:30am

Aux Features Film

For a very successful horror movie, it’s pretty surprising that the American version of The Ring only got one sequel. The series is a full-blown franchise over in Japan, but the characters don’t speak English in those movies, so most people in the U.S. don’t really care. It looks like Paramount has finally caught on, though, and is ready to start killing people with VHS tapes again. According to The Hollywood Reporter, the studio has hired Before The Fall’s F. Javier Gutierrez to direct a new—possibly 3D—sequel to The Ring.

That’s all well and good, but unless The Ring 3D—which is obviously what it will be called—is a period piece of some sort, a VHS tape that kills people who watch it will kill approximately zero people these days. The obvious joke would be “Oh, they should put it on DVD,” but that presupposes that anyone still watches DVDs, which they almost certainly do not if they’re hip to the trends of society. If The Ring 3D wants to kill as many people as possible, especially if they’re teenagers, then it needs to upload its scary haunted video to Netflix or, better yet, YouTube. It’s like being Rickrolled, except you die after you see it. That’s a free one, Paramount. Go ahead and take it.