Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Rachael Ray Predicts Your Future

Have you ever wondered if there is a direct connection between the kind of person you are–your natural temperament, moods, and demeanor–and one of the 8 million cutesy recipes on Rachael Ray's website? No? Well, according to The Everyday With Rachael Ray Fortune Teller, there is definitely a connection–a very strong, very awkwardly-phrased connection. A few examples:

You are a perplexing combination of book-smarts and silliness. Whether waxing poetic on political injustices or Grey's Anatomy, you know that life is part comedy and part tragedy. Read Nietzsche before slurping Cool Corn and Spicy Red Pepper Soup.

Of course! Because the Nietzsche will satisfy my book-smarts, while that zany, two-flavor soup will feed my silliness. Soup can be so crazy sometimes that it needs a big hunk of serious-philosopher-that-everyone's-heard-of to temper it, you know?

Gracious and fun-loving, you enjoy hosting parties. However, popularity often comes with resentment. Don't let the haters get you down–deflect thinly veiled insults with Butternut Squash Fries With Chili Salt and Maple Cream.


So true. Nothing stops undue resentment like making french fries out of squash. This strategy would also work against your child's schoolyard bullies. Simply put a few of the butternut squash fries in a ziploc bag (with the Maple Cream in a separate bag, of course), and tell your child that when he is threatened, just drop to the ground and shove as many fries into his mouth as possible until the bullies run away in horror. Works every time.

You tend to trust others before you've really gotten to know them. This, of course, gets you into trouble with users, cheaters, and toxic friends. Remember, you can always count on Creamy Eggs On Toast.

In other words, goopy eggs may be an inanimate foodstuff, but they will never lead you on a downward spiral of drugs, partying, and partner-swapping.

There's nothing wrong with having many emotions–your empathetic nature is one of your best qualities. However, don't let disppointments dull your enthusiasm. Get festive with Italian Flag Lasagna.


You know, at first glance these fortunes seem like hackneyed horoscopes and awful recipe promotions barely strung together. But upon further reflection they're actually pretty sound advice. I mean, just picturing a lonely, disappointed person making an entire lasagna that looks like the Italian flag while barely being able to control their many emotions does seem kind of festive. Yum-O! (Lots more fortune cookie gems here.)

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