Walton Goggins, Tim Baltz, and Edi PattersonPhoto: Ryan Green (HBO)
Welcome. We’re happy that you could join us for another ranking of The Righteous Gemstones’ least pathetic members. We all know that every Gemstone is a pitiful, inhumane, duplicitous grifter. Here we’ll see which one comes the closest to human by ranking them from most pathetic to least pathetic. It is an important job, but to properly honor the Lord, it is our duty.
This week, their progress continues to pay off. Growth isn’t something you expect from the Gemstones, yet here’s Uncle Baby Billy (Walton Goggins) owning up to past sins and taking a punch to the schnoz. Meanwhile, fresh from his coma, Eli (John Goodman) encourages his kids to do what they do best: get some muscular men together and return to doing nothing. Daddy’s home to lead the Sunday service; no need for Jesse to take over just yet—no matter how much Amber (Cassidy Freeman) pushes. Even little Kelvin (Adam Devine) is making some strides, bearing the cross and showing something resembling dignity.
So who is the least pathetic Gemstone this week? The answer may surprise you.
8. Amber Gemstone
Walton Goggins, Tim Baltz, and Edi Patterson Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
Welcome. We’re happy that you could join us for another ranking of ’ least pathetic members. We all know that every Gemstone is a pitiful, inhumane, duplicitous grifter. Here we’ll see which one comes the closest to human by ranking them from most pathetic to least pathetic. It is an important job, but to properly honor the Lord, it is our duty. This week, to pay off. Growth isn’t something you expect from the Gemstones, yet here’s Uncle Baby Billy (Walton Goggins) owning up to past sins and taking a punch to the schnoz. Meanwhile, fresh from his coma, Eli (John Goodman) encourages his kids to do what they do best: get some muscular men together and return to doing nothing. Daddy’s home to lead the Sunday service; no need for Jesse to take over just yet—no matter how much Amber (Cassidy Freeman) pushes. Even little Kelvin (Adam Devine) is making some strides, bearing the cross and showing something resembling dignity. So who is the least pathetic Gemstone this week? The answer may surprise you.
8. Amber Gemstone
Cassidy Freeman Screenshot HBO
What is going on with Amber? Has she lost her subtlety? Her cunning? Her grace? After last week’s church service and, frankly, an embarrassing show at brunch, Amber has the gall to suggest Eli should stay off the stage. Then she gets all up in Jesse’s face when he was just trying some fun “Amberson wordplay.” Whatever power she bragged about having over Jesse is slipping, and it’s making her look more pathetic than ever.
Again, Baby Billy is not a Gemstone, but his arc in the past few weeks has earned him a spot. Doing something resembling selflessness, Baby Billy heads to the home of Harmon (Macauley Culkin), the son he abandoned thirty years prior. To his surprise, his son forgives him, and yet he doesn’t feel better. Forgiveness doesn’t come with something cool like a framed certificate for good work, much to Billy’s confusion. He feels like he’s getting off easy, so Harmon gives him a fraction of what he deserves: a punch in the face. He’s left with tissues stuffed in his nose and blood running down his lips. Billy bleeds human blood. He is human.
Poor stupid Jesse. He had everything he ever wanted, and it still wasn’t enough. His father gave him proper appreciation and love for his efforts in fending off The Cycle Ninjas™. Eli’s praise of Jesse is far more than any of the kids on could ever hope for, but it’s never enough for the Gemstones. Only when Eli promises the funds for Zions does Jesse perk up. Jesse just wants to show off to his new friends, the Lissons, and he needs Eli’s money to do so. Pathetic stuff.
5. B.J. Gemstone-Barnes
Tim Baltz Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
B.J. didn’t have much going on this week, but we appreciated his condemnation of frackers, which is slightly more than we get from Jesse. Plus, apparently he rocks the Omnichord.
4. Eli Gemstone
John Goodman Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
Eli is back on top after a week in the hospital bed, and once again, he is rewarded for hiring Martin (Gregory Alan Williams) in the ’80s. His faithful righthand man galvanized Jesse in ways Eli never could. And yet, after promising over wiggly fingers that the family would no longer keep secrets or betray each other’s trust, Eli ditches them at church service to go resolve his problems with Junior (Eric Roberts). It’s just discouraging to see Eli going back on his word so quickly.
3. Judy Gemstone
Edi Patterson Photo Ryan Green (HBO)
Where are these motherly instincts coming from, girl? Judy’s affection for Aunt Tiffany has helped the Gemstone sister come into her own. She’s smashing bus windows and thinking about someone other than herself. Judy wants to continue hearing the pitter-patter of Tiffany’s filthy-ass feet and the crunch of shrimp tails and ice, and it’s frankly nice to see. Maybe all this mothering of her aunt will cause Judy to reconsider her other relationships. Maybe she’ll even treat BJ with the tenderness that boy deserves.
2. Kelvin Gemstone
Adam Devine Screenshot HBO
More than anyone, this is Kelvin’s moment to shine. He’s made some incredible strides in the past few weeks. From his tearful reunion with his father to bearing the cross and reclaiming his house. Kelvin’s right, he chiseled these men into gods, rubbing their calves until sunrise and offering them residence on his front lawn. They owe him a modicum of respect (we guess—Kelvin did basically start a cult with these guys). Kelvin’s strength and confidence are inspiring. If he can bear the cross, why can’t the rest of us?
1. Aimee-Leigh Gemstone
Jennifer Nettles and Walton Goggins Screenshot HBO
The ghost of Aimee-Leigh laughs at the idea that any Gemstone could defeat her. She is the least pathetic, for she is the all-powerful Aimee-Leigh.
