Geostorm (Photo: Warner Bros.), Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! A Madea Halloween (Photo: Lionsgate), Leatherface (Photo: Lionsgate), and The Snowman (Photo: Universal Pictures)

It’s the weekend and you want to see a new movie. Well, we have some bad news for you: They all suck.

Okay, so that’s not entirely true. Depending on where you live, you can catch one of the solid to quite-good movies opening in limited release. For example, there’s Jane, Brett Morgen’s documentary about Jane Goodall. And no less than three of this year’s Cannes competition titles—Todd Haynes’ Wonderstruck, Yorgos Lanthimos’ The Killing Of A Sacred Deer, and Robin Campillo’s BPM (Beats Per Minute)—are all starting their slow theatrical rollouts today. There are also plenty of recent gems still expanding into new markets; if you don’t live in New York or Los Angeles, these movies are, for all intents and purposes, new to theaters. (Have you seen The Florida Project? See The Florida Project, everyone.)

But when it comes to new multiplex options, to the stuff hitting a bunch of theaters all over the country, that’s when things get dire. For a sense of just how much crap is right now playing, just look at the top block of reviews on our Film page. What options! Despite its pedigree of talent—the director of Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, a first-rate cast—The Snowman is as silly as its ads. Madea is back for another round of moralizing lowbrow comedy. And Leatherface might be the worst entry yet in the Texas Chain Saw franchise, which is quite the accomplishment. Need we also mention that Roland Emmerich’s regular screenwriter made a disaster movie with Gerard Butler battling weather satellites? Incidentally, this feels like its own kind of perfect storm; so rarely do this many disasters drop on the same weekend.

If you must go to the movies and see something brand new tonight, instead of just staying home and watching The Meyerowitz Stories on Netflix, might we humbly suggest Only The Brave? It’s not terrific or anything, but watching Josh Brolin, Jeff Bridges, and Miles Teller bond over raging infernos beats the alternative. Or, you know, just see The Florida Project. It might be in a theater near you as we speak!