The first thing you should know about the White House Christmas Video is that there's absolutely no reason for it to exist. It may be a long-standing tradition for the First Family, and the best used car dealerships around the country, to record some kind of stilted holiday message for the American people every year, but it's definitely not a tradition to do it in the style of a creepy doggie fever dream starring stunned Olympians. That was a choice the Bushes made because a. They have no taste, b. They want to make a fun, lighthearted Christmas video, but they have no idea what any of those words mean, c. They're simmering with contempt, and want to punish us, d. Their brains were replaced with lead shavings a few years back, or e. Some combination of the above.

The second thing that you need to know about the White House Christmas Video is that it's Michael Phelps' best performance to date. He should make this his reel.

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(via Huffington Post)

"Well, that, Willard, AND WHEN BARNEY DECORATES THE WHOLE HOUSE FOR THE HOLIDAYS WHY AM I YELLING?" Apparently, now that she's married, Jenna doesn't get a dog to hold and has to settle for compulsively stroking her dead-eyed husband's knee in front of her parents.

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No one is expecting the Bushes to be great actors, but shouldn't they at least be vaguely human? Especially since they've done this for 8 years now? Even the dogs seem robotic. It's like they used Benjamin Franklin's kite key to give each other lobotomies through their eye sockets right before filming, but worse.

Frankly, star wipes could have lent the video some much needed emotion.