Portlandia (IFC, 10 p.m.): Depending on where one looks on the IFC website, tonight’s Portlandia season finale either involves a burglary or an arson at Bryce and Lisa’s taxidermy shop. Regardless, police set out on a witch hunt for the “weirdos” that committed the crime, and Paul Reubens ends up defending two of them in court. Les Chappell would just like to take this moment to explain that while he may be a weirdo, he would never steal from nor burn down a taxidermy shop—unless of course he wanted to cover his tracks after snatching a stuffed bird (you know, to put on things).
Steven Universe (Cartoon Network, 5 p.m.): After quitting Steven Universe cold turkey last year, Eric Thurm has been mainlining the series this week with a review-a-day leading up to this half-hour special. Tonight a new threat arrives at Beach City and Steven teams up with an ally to save the Crystal Gems. Eric just hopes the withdrawal doesn’t hit him too hard before he can get more sweet, sweet Steven Universe next week.
Elementary (CBS, 10 p.m.): The description of this week’s Elementary sounds like something out of a comic book movie: Holmes and Watson investigate a murder in which the victim is flash-frozen in time. Since Myles McNutt is busy (potentially with his own superhero business?), he enlists a yet-to-be-named A.V. Club sidekick to check out “T-Bone And The Iceman.”
Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt (Netflix, 6 p.m.): Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya continues her insane review-a-day schedule of this utterly charming Netflix series. In “Kimmy Goes To A Party!” Jacqueline throws a cocktail soirée, Kimmy gets a chance to be Cinderella, and Titus tries to reenact A Star Is Born.
The Vampire Diaries (The CW, 8 p.m.)
The Big Bang Theory (CBS, 8 p.m.)
Scandal (ABC, 9 p.m.)
Reign (The CW, 9 p.m.)
Vikings (History, 10 p.m.)
Archer (FX, 10 p.m.)
Fortitude (Pivot, 10 p.m.)
Dig (USA, 10 p.m.)
American Crime (ABC, 10 p.m.)
Futurama (10 a.m.): Leela joins the military in “War Is The H-Word,” while “Anthology Of Interest I” features three vignettes of the gang using Professor Farnsworth’s “What If” machine. Zack Handlen has always wondered what would happen if Futurama did a war movie parody so this is a particularly exciting week for him.
In a brand new For Our Consideration on bad fictional presidencies, Tim O’Neil compares House Of Cards’ Frank Underwood to the comic book supervillain Dr. Doom. And if that all seems a bit too negative, here’s America’s greatest fictional president to inspire you:
Regular Show (Cartoon Network, 7:30 p.m.): Cake, fancy sodas, and a good time are promised on tonight’s Regular Show as Rigby and Mordecai attend a party to celebrate the 1,000th flight of Chopper 6.
American Idol (Fox, 8 p.m.): The Top 12 singers perform live in a two-hour episode of American Idol. Since this reality competition would never waste time with filler, we assume each contestant has put together a simple 10-minute medley to showcase their vocal abilities.
Dateline: The Real Blacklist (NBC, 8 p.m.), The Blacklist (9 p.m.), The Slap (10 p.m.): With Allegiance officially cancelled, NBC is shifting around its Thursday night programming. The Slap moves to a later hour for an episode centered on teenage babysitter/Peter Sarsgaard-temptation Connie, which means Dateline: The Real Blacklist can chart conspiracies and larger-than-life crime from The Slap’s former timeslot. Meanwhile The Blacklist remains the fulcrum that holds the whole tenuous system together.
Watch What Happens: Live (Bravo, 11 p.m.): Either of tonight’s guests would be noteworthy on their own, but the idea of Liam Neeson and Jane Krakowski bantering about The Real Housewives is enough to make us giddy with excitement.
Think Like A Man (VH1, 8 p.m.): A Steve Harvey self-help book drives the majority of the plot of this 2012 film, which is up there with Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past for ridiculous rom com premises. But A.V. Club film critic Ignatiy Vishnevetsky once called Think Like A Man a “memorably bad movie,” which we’re pretty sure is a compliment.
The Hustler (TCM, 9:45 p.m.): Paul Newman stars as a small-time pool hustler who wants to break into the professional world of high-stakes hustling in this 1961 drama. Although Newman didn’t win an Oscar for his performance, he would win one for reprising the role in The Color Of Money 25 years later.
College Basketball Tournaments: Here are all the places you can watch college students play a game together:
- Big Ten Basketball: Indiana vs. Northwestern (ESPN 2, 6:30 p.m.)
- Atlantic 10 Basketball: St. Joseph’s vs. St. Bonaventure (NBC Sports, 6:30 p.m.)
- ACC Basketball Quarterfinal (ESPN, 7 p.m.)
- Big 12 Basketball Quarterfinal (ESPNU, 7 p.m.)
- Big East Basketball Quarterfinal (Fox Sports, 7 p.m.)
The 100: Did everyone die in The 100’s bloody season finale? Only Kyle Fowle—and any anyone who watched the episode—knows for sure.