Regular blog readers may remember my mid-year tally of the worst band names we'd encountered, a glimpse of the year-end's definitive list of bad puns, clumsy imagery, and misappropriation of the word "funk." There are so many bands out there, and so many of them have bad names–and not just run-of-the-mill mediocrity like Real Lunch. I mean truly awful, what-were-they-thinking kinda names. Poofinger, anyone?
I know a bad name when I see one. After all, in high school I played in a punk band called Schooled Stupid (which still makes me chuckle)–although we changed it to Cabal before settling on Casper for some reason. When I was 15, I was in a loose industrial-rock collective called 12 Inch Breath Mint, whose phallic undertones were lost on all of us. (As a friend's mom pointed out, "It's 12 inches, and you put it in your mouth.")
So, my bad-name recognition skills thus established, let's move on to this year's names, divided into two categories: worst band names (i.e., no redeeming value whatsoever, just sheer suckitude) and best worst band names (i.e., funny or otherwise charming). Let's begin scraping the barrel's bottom, shall we?
WORST BAND NAMES
Gnarls Barkley
Danger Mouse and Cee-lo's innovative skills stopped short when it came time to choose a moniker.
Morningwood
Any cock-related name is a lay-up for the list, especially if it's boner-inspired. Morning boner? Welcome to the list, y'all. While we're here, let's do some more genitalia-related names…
Rigor Phallus
What's this, Latin for erect penis? It sounds terrible in any language.
Bonerama
Brutal Dildos
They have "Sorry mom" at the top of their MySpace page. Nice.
MC Vagina
Clit Ripper
Genital Hercules
The Poontang Wranglers
A name like that practically guarantees there'll be no poon to wrangle after the show. But at least they appear to be a joke band.
Papa Grows Funk
If you put "funk" in your name, you should be smacked. Although nothing may ever touch last year's Public Display Of Funk for sheer audacity in its terribleness. To wit…
Urban Funk Ordinance
Yes, let's pass one outlawing this band.
Bandits Of The Acoustic Revolution
Using the word "bandits," minus 5 points. "Revolution," another five. "Acoustic," minus 15. Using them together, minus 1,000 points. They sound like cousins of these guys:
Natives Of The New Dawn
and
Daughters Of The Sun
You can practically smell the patchouli from here. Ditto for these fückengrüven names…
Groovatron
Tye Dye Skye
National Ass Groovin' Association
Similarly, all pot-related names are bad no matter what, as the culture around marijuana couldn't be more inane:
Fahrenheit 420
Smokable Politics
Emo bands can always be counted on, too:
Cute Is What We Aim For
This Song Is A Mess And So Am I
Boys Like Girls
Heartwarmer
I haven't heard 'em, so they may not be emo, but they're kindred spirits regardless.
The Devil Wears Prada
Assuming these guys predate the Meryl Streep film of the same name, they still stole their title from a recent, popular book. It all but begs the studio, publisher, and Prada to file cease-and-desist orders. After that, expect TDWP to change their name slightly, like Green Jell-O did with Green Jelly, or Ritalin Kids with Riddlin' Kids. Maybe The Devil Wears Prahda?
Curiosity Valentine
They play jazz, but still have an emo-ish name.
You know who else can be counted on for bad names? Hardcore bands. One of the worst of all time–Gorilla Biscuits–even reunited for a tour this year. Their descendents:
Set Your Goals
They're heavily influenced by GB, from their music to their name: Set Your Goals was the title of GB frontman Civ's first album after the Biscuits. Even with that reference, it's still a dumb name. "Now touring the motivational speakers' circuit, Set Your Goals!"
Silence The Foe
"Of course we're heavy–don't you know our name is Silence The Foe?"
And don't forget bad metal bands:
Figure H8
Sik Fuk
Stupid proper-name combinations:
Guns N'Rosa Parks
Osama Bin SARS
Tom Cruise Control
It's like an Us Weekly headline come to life!
And others:
The Delaware Stringasm
They even boast they made the earlier list on their MySpace page.
The Robocop Kraus
Down With Naked
Honkytonk Homeslice
Green Milk From The Planet Orange
X-Rated Porno Machine
Mood Syrup
Magic Gravy
Nitrous Foxide
The Axe That Chopped Down The Cherry Tree
Forth Yeer Freshman
BEST WORST BAND NAMES
Black-metal/grindcore/death-metal bands almost always have great names:
Fecal Corpse
Maggot Twat
They're a joke band, but that's still a brutal name.
Corpse Vomit
Forest Of Impaled
Bands whose names indicate issues with women:
16 Bitch Pile-Up
They're women, but the name still counts.
Wealthy Whore Entertainment
TwoDeadSluts OneGoodFuck
Lyin' Bitch & The Restraining Orders
When in doubt, use "fuck":
Holy Fuck
The Fucking Ocean
Total Fucking Blood
Jesus Fucking Christ
Fuck Start Your Face
Super Fucking Judo Flip
Check! Out! Our! Name!:
You Say Party! We Say Die!
Ambulance! Ambulance!
The Nina The Pinta!
Hollywood Holocaust!
Sh-Sh-Sh Shark Attack!!!
Loooooooooong is good:
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yeltsin
Tony Danza Tap Dance Extravaganza
America's Meth Problem II
Bodies In The Gears Of The Apparatus
The Busiest Bankruptcy Lawyers In Minnesota
U.S. Pipe & The Balls Johnson Dance Machine
Underground Railroad To Candyland
A Scribe Amidst The Lions
They Will Use Your Bones For Tools
Dave Coulier & The Cut It Outs
Points for the goofy Full House reference, even though that show was terrible.
We Will Eat Rats To Survive
Mister And Misses Tribute To Ugliness
They misspell "missus," but whatever.
Said The Sun To The Girl
Get Cape. Wear Cape. Fly.
Arsonists Get All The Girls
?????
David Copperfuck
Elvisbeatlesgod
Chupacobra
Knife Knife Gun
Americans UK
Laser In The Jungle
DraculaZombieUSA
Sexhawk
Simply funny:
The God Damn Doo Wop Band
Here Comes Old Vodka Tits
The Internet
You Ruined Christmas
Sorry About Your Couch
Jehovah's Shit List
Misc:
Instant Asshole
Awesome Snakes
Total B.S.
This sounds like a band started by Napoleon Dynamite–except it's a Bob Seger tribute band. Yikes.
The Dad In Common
Gay Beast
Au Revoir Simone
Points for the Pee Wee's Big Adventure reference.
And Now You Beg
Get Three Coffins Ready
So there you have it. Who knows what '07 has in store for us? The list has already begun. The first entry? The House That Gloria Vanderbilt. Ugh.