Regular blog readers may remember my mid-year tally of the worst band names we'd encountered, a glimpse of the year-end's definitive list of bad puns, clumsy imagery, and misappropriation of the word "funk." There are so many bands out there, and so many of them have bad names–and not just run-of-the-mill mediocrity like Real Lunch. I mean truly awful, what-were-they-thinking kinda names. Poofinger, anyone?
I know a bad name when I see one. After all, in high school I played in a punk band called Schooled Stupid (which still makes me chuckle)–although we changed it to Cabal before settling on Casper for some reason. When I was 15, I was in a loose industrial-rock collective called 12 Inch Breath Mint, whose phallic undertones were lost on all of us. (As a friend's mom pointed out, "It's 12 inches, and you put it in your mouth.")
So, my bad-name recognition skills thus established, let's move on to this year's names, divided into two categories: worst band names (i.e., no redeeming value whatsoever, just sheer suckitude) and best worst band names (i.e., funny or otherwise charming). Let's begin scraping the barrel's bottom, shall we?
WORST BAND NAMES
Gnarls Barkley
Danger Mouse and Cee-lo's innovative skills stopped short when it came time to choose a moniker.
Morningwood
Any cock-related name is a lay-up for the list, especially if it's boner-inspired. Morning boner? Welcome to the list, y'all. While we're here, let's do some more genitalia-related names…
Rigor Phallus
What's this, Latin for erect penis? It sounds terrible in any language.
Bonerama
Brutal Dildos
They have "Sorry mom" at the top of their MySpace page. Nice.
MC Vagina
Clit Ripper
Genital Hercules
The Poontang Wranglers
A name like that practically guarantees there'll be no poon to wrangle after the show. But at least they appear to be a joke band.
Papa Grows Funk
If you put "funk" in your name, you should be smacked. Although nothing may ever touch last year's Public Display Of Funk for sheer audacity in its terribleness. To wit…
Urban Funk Ordinance
Yes, let's pass one outlawing this band.
Bandits Of The Acoustic Revolution
Using the word "bandits," minus 5 points. "Revolution," another five. "Acoustic," minus 15. Using them together, minus 1,000 points. They sound like cousins of these guys:
Natives Of The New Dawn
and
Daughters Of The Sun
You can practically smell the patchouli from here. Ditto for these fückengrüven names…
Groovatron
Tye Dye Skye
National Ass Groovin' Association
Similarly, all pot-related names are bad no matter what, as the culture around marijuana couldn't be more inane:
Fahrenheit 420
Smokable Politics
Emo bands can always be counted on, too:
Cute Is What We Aim For
This Song Is A Mess And So Am I
Boys Like Girls
Heartwarmer
I haven't heard 'em, so they may not be emo, but they're kindred spirits regardless.
The Devil Wears Prada
Assuming these guys predate the Meryl Streep film of the same name, they still stole their title from a recent, popular book. It all but begs the studio, publisher, and Prada to file cease-and-desist orders. After that, expect TDWP to change their name slightly, like Green Jell-O did with Green Jelly, or Ritalin Kids with Riddlin' Kids. Maybe The Devil Wears Prahda?
Curiosity Valentine
They play jazz, but still have an emo-ish name.
You know who else can be counted on for bad names? Hardcore bands. One of the worst of all time–Gorilla Biscuits–even reunited for a tour this year. Their descendents:
Set Your Goals
They're heavily influenced by GB, from their music to their name: Set Your Goals was the title of GB frontman Civ's first album after the Biscuits. Even with that reference, it's still a dumb name. "Now touring the motivational speakers' circuit, Set Your Goals!"
Silence The Foe
"Of course we're heavy–don't you know our name is Silence The Foe?"
And don't forget bad metal bands:
Figure H8
Sik Fuk