In perhaps the most quintessentially American story of this century, Wonkette writer Robyn Pennacchia unearthed a conspiracy this week that involves back room legislative deals, anti-Semitic titans of industry, and the most boring dance style known to humankind—square dancing. Apparently, for decades, there has been a cabal of like-minded individuals lurking in the nation’s shadows, dead set on making square dancing the official national dance of the United States, because that is a thing that people believe needs to be determined. Pennacchia first discovered this “dancepiracy” when she noticed that an inordinate number of states list square dancing as their official dance.
But, as she dug deeper into the history of this seemingly fringe group of square dance obsessed individuals, she realized they once had ties to none other than American icon Henry Ford, who helped insure their lasting influence in the world of forced dance appreciation.
Knowing she’s only scratched the surface of this deep state dance craze, which apparently was still alive and well and pushing for square dancing legislation as recently as 2015, Pennacchia has promised that she “will update as [she] discovers more.” But, as with almost any undertaking to preserve a perverted idea of “whiteness” in this country, it won’t be long before it’s discovered that the whole endeavor is founded on some massive deception. Like, maybe this one: