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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Losers argue over who sucks more

Illustration for article titled Losers argue over who sucks more
Photo: Left: Max Mumby/Indigo, Right: Brooks Kraft (Getty Images)

This morning, the earth trembled as two dipshit titans—Rudy Giuliani and Piers Morgan—awakened from their slumber, striding confidently into the bloody forum of Good Morning Britain to engage in a climatic argument over which of them is the biggest wiener. Understanding that the ongoing anti-Black police brutality protests being held in America and across the world presents a perfect opportunity for both numbskulls to really vent their spleens about their careers, the two engaged in a verbal sparring match that, as was the case back when the Alien and Predator fought, leaves us all losers regardless of the outcome.

The argument begins with Morgan interrupting co-host Susanna Reid’s interview with Giuliani. After hearing the former mayor slurp on Donald Trump’s boots for a few minutes, somehow managing to defend the president’s actions over the past week, Morgan hops in to tell Giuliani that he’s “talking total claptrap.” Morgan calls out how weak Giuliani’s arguments sound as the two debate whether or not Trump is a racist. Giuliani gets fired up over “politically correct propaganda” and then both of them argue for a while longer about whether either of them ever believe what they say.


Giuliani, parroting the media-obsessed style favored by his equally decrepit master, eventually decides that a good tactic would be making fun of Morgan for his former CNN show’s bad ratings and cancellation. “You’re the one who got thrown off the television here because you had ratings that were about two,” Giuliani says, ensuring that the topic moves on from addressing the horrifying political situation at hand that the show was presumably meant to highlight and onto what really matters to the two: Whose awful career is more awful.

Morgan tells Giuliani that he sounds “completely barking mad” and Giuliani comes back with the excellent retort: “No, I don’t! You sound like a big liar!” Reid hops in to say that the debate has become too “personal,” which only elevates the fight to the point that it ends with host and guest yelling over and at each other.

It’s tempting, for a second or so, to want to defend Morgan here, especially given Giuliani’s abhorrent downplaying of racially motivated police brutality. But then you remember some of the guy’s greatest hits from over the years— losing it over a razor commercial, being mad that Daniel Craig is an involved father, and, most relevant of all, sticking up for the Trump administrations’ previous overtly racist actions—and realize that, no, there isn’t any point in giving a shit about either of these ghouls.

[via The Daily Beast]

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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.