Last week the Internet fell all over itself with the apparent photographic proof that Nicolas Cage is immortal, doomed to walk the earth from time immemorial—or at least since Civil War-era Tennessee. Various theories abounded as to the striking resemblance between Cage and the man featured in the photo offered on eBay, ranging from the seller’s insistence that Cage is actually a “sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so,” to our own theory that there has long been a secret race composed entirely of Nicolas Cages, which would explain both how he can seemingly make three or four movies simultaneously, and also why he needs to own more than a dozen homes—and often appears disoriented and confused as to their location. (Continuing that theory, perhaps the man who suddenly appeared in his home wearing his jacket and eating his Fudgesicles was just another Nicolas Cage? It sort of all falls into place, doesn't it?)
Alas, all that theorizing and Twitter-based excitement didn’t translate to actual bids, so you’ll never be able to study the evidence for yourself: The seller quietly removed the “Nicolas Cage Is A Vampire” photo after failing to secure his required $1 million bid—though some say they suspect the actual reason for its disappearance was that the seller promised to donate half the proceeds to charity without going through the proper eBay channels. Nevertheless, those who feel as though they missed their chance to own some proof that the odd behavior of an erratic star of Face/Off can be explained by the fact that they’ve simply been around for way too long can now buy this very similar 1860s ambrotype of John Travolta, “Scientologist time traveler.”
First listed in early August—and obviously popping up again to capitalize on the attention surrounding their "friend's" Cage listing—the photo is a relative bargain at only $50,000, and boasts a man that the seller claims is identical to Travolta down to his eyes, (former) hairline, and “very unique trademark CHIN.” And for those who might wonder how Travolta could possibly have existed 151 years ago, naturally the seller explains it using Scientology, sort of: “For those of you who don't know, John Travolta is a Scientologist and many Scientologists believe in a type of reincarnation. Of course, time travel can't be ruled out as well.” Of course not, given that there’s evidence of at least one, anonymous Operating Thetan who claims to have mastered it. Clearly we all see who that is now. Anyway, knowing that both Travolta and Cage are immortals makes their desire to costar in movies where they try to kill each other all the more poignant. It's like they're just trying to give each other the everlasting peace that fate has so cruelly denied them.