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Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Alex Jones to neighbors, globalists: "I'll eat your ass"

Illustration for article titled Alex Jones to neighbors, globalists: "I'll eat your ass"
Photo: Sergio Flores (Getty Images)

Everybody’s dealing with the unique stresses of the coronavirus pandemic in different ways. Some are getting through a difficult time by connecting with friends and family digitally while others spend evenings and weekends stuck at home enjoying new hobbies. Alex Jones, champion of truth, justice, and truly awful conspiracy theories, on the other hand, has reacted to this strange new era by trying to sell snake oil to rubes and going on air to discuss how willing he is to eat his neighbors’ asses.


In a clip tweeted by Sam Thielman, the InfoWars host gives a rousing speech that begins with the emphatic announcement, “I will eat my neighbors.”

“I’ve extrapolated this out and I won’t have to for a few years because I’ve got food and stuff,” Jones continues. “But I’m literally looking at my neighbors now and going, ‘Am I ready to hang them up and gut ‘em and skin’ em and chop ‘em up?’ Y’know what? I’m ready. My daughters aren’t starving to death.”

There’s already a good amount to go on here, especially when you bring in Jones nonsensically stating stuff like “combat model,” “optimal self sufficiency,” and explaining how he’s tried to stop us from turning into cannibal neighborhoods already—apparently by trying to help a bunch of Texans to their deaths by demanding an end to quarantine and comparing public health guidelines to Nazism. But then Jones follows up his unprompted response to the world’s worst round of “would you rather?” by adding, “My superpower is being honest: I’ll eat your ass.”

With that horrible image now lodged in our minds, Jones ramps up the yelling: “I will eat your ass! And that’s what I want the globalists to know: I will eat your ass first.”

None of this speech is too much of a surprise. Faced with tough times in the past, Jones has always displayed the sort of commanding intelligence and soothing rationality that wins public figures like him such a devoted following. When kicked off a bunch of social media channels, he put on a donkey mask and screeched like a demon about “Operation 666"s plan to destroy him. Now, having to be kept inside, separated from his neighbor’s juicy flanks and rumps by a window pane for far too long, is it any wonder that his fantasies have turned him into a de Sade character?


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Contributor, The A.V. Club. Reid's a writer and editor who has appeared at GQ, Playboy, and Paste. He also co-created and writes for videogame sites Bullet Points Monthly and Digital Love Child.