Goop, the Gwyneth Paltrow unwellness company that wants you to give your mom a vibrator for Christmas when it isn’t trying to kill its customers with vagina eggs and terrible COVID health guidance, has once again provided the world with its suggestions for practical gifts for friends and family this holiday season.
The 2021 Goop Gift Guide can be an intimidating range of products to sift through, however, so, in order to better understand the value proposition of items like a $200 magic brain massager, $75 “This Smells Like My Orgasm” candle, or $130 semi-charitable tote bag with “FEED The Children Of The World” printed on it,” Desus and Mero have offered up their opinions on a few highlights from the catalog.
The pair start off their rankings with the Rainbow Mat, which costs $1,300 and is actually just a mat. (Though it is embedded with “seven types of natural gemstones.”) They move on to a “super soft blanket” that somehow goes for $3,700 and, Mero notes, would totally destroy anyone faced with guessing its value on The Price Is Right.
They go on to evaluate a rose quartz checker board ($1,900) that looks like it’s covered in slices of cured meat, a $20 set of “organic prerolled cones” that would make anyone who smokes from them “get into a conversation about Kamala Harris,” a white modernist bong for people who overpay for their weed, and a $400 pair of cashmere bloomers (“big back in the days when people would wash once a week.”)
The last item they consider is a $100 “playful” bunny-tailed butt plug, whose description makes Mero wonder if it comes over asking to get in a few rounds of Mario Kart before doing its duty. “You gotta be a wild person to buy a butt plug for someone else,” Desus says. “You gotta be clear where you stand with them.”
“You wanna fuck up Secret Santa?” Mero adds, which is a pretty good way to describe not just the butt plug but pretty much everything Goop suggests as a good gift idea.
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