The pumpkins have barely begun to decompose and already the tinsel-draped, candy cane-patterned wheels of Mariah Carey’s Christmas-themed armored column has begun thundering into our minds in the first shock volley of her seasonal offensive. As in years past, the last 10 months have been nothing but a prelude to the time of year in which we gather to celebrate the birth of an immortal hit, bowing at Carey’s feet as she accepts homage for the gift she’s given to humankind forevermore.
It’s Christmas time now. So says Carey. So say we all, whether we like it or not.
The Empress Of Good Cheer celebrated the time of her ascension by posting a video on Twitter at exactly midnight of October 31st/November 1st. At this nexus of Halloween and the first morally excusable beginnings of the holiday season, Carey issued a video that opens on a tableau of candles, dead leaves, a decorative tombstone, and jack-o’-lanterns carved to read, “It’s not time.”
A bell tolls and a flash of red sequins heralds Carey’s arrival. She swings a candy cane-striped baseball bat above her head then gleefully begins bludgeoning the pumpkins as the introductory chimes of “All I Want For Christmas Is You” begin to twinkle.
“It’s tiii-iiime,” we hear as Carey shrieks with joy, frolicking in a festive living room to the sound of her own voice singing the marching song of her armies. A caption ends the video, reading: “It’s time!!! To smash that pumpkin and treat it as pie ... Cause we still gotta get through Thanksgiving!!!”
Though she excuses this sneak attack by telling her Christmas forces to remain in waiting a few weeks longer (despite refusing to lead by example), this video is a clear warning of what’s to come.
As in years past, Carey is having a hard time waiting until the right moment for her season to begin. Before long, we assume she’ll have successfully lobbied the government to move Thanksgiving to the Canadian date in order to begin her work even sooner.
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