The confines of their old, stuffily corporate nature long since shed, the brands have been steadily working to convince us they’re human. Not content merely to own our stomachs and minds, they’ve taken to Twitter, cannily tricking us into imagining them as something other than the twisted assemblage of focus-tested logos and marketing terrorism all public-facing corporations truly are and attempting, instead, to get us to think of them as real people.
Two of the worst offenders, the irritatingly domineering Wendy’s and depressing, hangdog MoonPie Twitter accounts, have just stepped up to a whole new level, now proclaiming that they’ve passed some grim, new millennium Turing test by pretending at love.
It starts with an advance from MoonPie, likely attentive after smelling fishy whiffs of synergy chum in the waters.
And then, of course, it escalates because the people of Twitter are watching and the potential for cold, hard engagement is too much for either brand to bear.
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It goes on in this vein for a while. Only the strongest stomachs, tempered by pounds of dry cake pucks and the greasy slop remnants of Baconators past, are advised to follow the thread further.
The rest of us can pick up here, at the inevitable conclusion: a readily sharable, “wacky” macro of the two brands’ products merged in unholy union.
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It’s truly a love story for our modern age, by which we mean it’s a completely hollow, corporate-guided nightmare that blurs the line between sincerity and reality and leaves everyone feeling vaguely awful. The brands have taken so much. Let’s vow not to let them have the concept of friendship, too.
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