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We regret to inform you the president of Twitter has logged on

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Heralded by a million dead and ancient modems awakening to screech a hellish “Hail To The Chief,” the president of Twitter has logged on and, my fellow Americans, the president is once again mad on the internet. The commander of Tweets began his workday as he always does, hunched over his seven-foot gold toilet in the predawn hours, straining at his impacted beef in the Buffalo Wild Wings-style blare of the six flat-screens he’s installed in the bathroom, angrily mashing his fingers into the iPhone balanced on his haunches. Ladies and gentlemen, the State of our Twitter Union is strong and extremely online.

After a brief warm-up jaunt of pity-retweeting his saddest son and pitching ideas to his favorite TV show, President Twitter got down to it, sharing three videos in a row of Muslims ostensibly beating a teenage boy to death, assaulting a “Dutch boy on crutches,” and destroying a statue of the Virgin Mary. The videos all hailed from Jayda Fransen, deputy director of the ultra-nationalist, far-right extremist group Britain First, who was convicted last year of “religious aggravated harassment” and arrested just this month for hate speech in Northern Ireland, and whose party has been widely condemned in the U.K. for spreading virulent anti-Islam rhetoric. Last year, the man who murdered British politician Jo Cox shouted “Britain First” before he shot her.


The tweeter of the free world shared that shit immediately, to the bafflement and condemnation of leaders both at home and abroad. Even the amateur viral trolls at InfoWars were taken aback by this amazing display of being very good at spreading toxic garbage. Even noted online idiot Piers Morgan was impressed by how incredibly rash and thoughtless it was. That’s why he’s the president!

Without even taking a labored breath, the Tweet Decider moved on to calling for another total administrative boycott of a media organization that doesn’t talk about how great his tweets are.


Before his thighs had barely gotten numb, the Great Twitterer glanced up to hear the news that Matt Lauer had just been fired from NBC for sexual misconduct and immediately weighed in by suggesting that executives at NBC and Comcast should themselves be fired for reporting on things besides his awesome tweets. He also called for an investigation into NBC News boss Andy Lack’s “past,” leaving it tantalizingly open-ended. That’s how you get the clicks!


He then called for the firing of MSNBC president Phil Griffin, before insinuating that cable host Joe Scarborough murdered his intern. That’s why he’s the president of TV also!


Having dispensed with all his most pressing business, the Twitterer in chief was able to just relax and have some old-fashioned social media fun, poking North Korea over new sanctions he plans to impose in the wake of its launching another missile yesterday—one that can theoretically reach the United States while we’re all staring in silent horror at our phones, watching the man in charge of our viral country bing bing bong bong his way through sharing violent, Islamophobic snuff films, about which the White House press secretary has now said it doesn’t matter whether they’re fake. We are all very and permanently online.


With that, the 45th Twitterent of These Viral States flushed and logged off. All in all, a very productive Twitter morning that was definitely worth it so Republicans could get huge tax cuts for the wealthy.

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