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Yes, Tom Cruise will make a Les Grossman movie

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So yeah, it turns out that Tom Cruise wasn’t making some sort of wink-and-a-nod joke about the dearth of original ideas when he suggested that he was “working on” a movie centered around his Tropic Thunder character Les Grossman. Paramount, which has never heard the phrase “always leave them wanting more” either, has just confirmed that a Grossman film is indeed in the works, condemning Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World screenwriter Michael Bacall to find a way to extend a one-note joke into 90 minutes, then issuing one of those infuriating press releases where it pretends like a character is a real person, and then gathers “quotes” from some punch-up gag writer toiling away in its script department.

Grossman, best known as a mega producer, has most recently mentored talents such as Rob Pattinson and Taylor Lautner. In 2008, Grossman was introduced to the masses by Stiller in the comedy “Tropic Thunder” where the famed producer had a cameo playing himself. Said Ben Stiller: “Les Grossman's life story is an inspiring tale of the classic human struggle to achieve greatness against all odds. He has assured me he plans to quote, ‘F**king  kill the sh*t out of this movie and make Citizen f**king Kane look like a piece of crap home movie by the time we are done.’ I am honored to be working with him.”    

When asked what the screenplay was about Grossman responded: “To quote my great friend Kirk Lazarus, ‘I don’t read the script, the script reads me.’” Adam Goodman, Paramount Film Group President said, "Everything I learned in this business, I've learned from Les. I started out as his assistant, and from the first day he threw his desk at me when I got his lunch order wrong, I have loved him like a father.  I am forever grateful to Ben and Stuart Cornfeld and their ability to secure his highly-coveted life rights," Tom Cruise is said to be in talks to portray Grossman in the film.

Despite our preemptive grousing, this will probably make money, and spawn several dozen equally smarmy “Tom Cruise is back!” interviews about how he “learned to laugh at himself again.” And then, deep inside the forever hug of his fatsuit, Tom Cruise will finally feel loved.