Jake and Logan Paul have added a new, even worse Paul

By Gabe Worgaftik | May 15, 2018 | 5:23pm

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Jake and Logan Paul have added a new, even worse Paul

The Paul brothers, YouTube stars Jake and Logan, have been among the worst people on the internet for some time now. There are, however, lots of awful people on the internet, from burger chains to honest-to-god Nazis to Mike Huckabee to the president. How, in the face of such Darwinian competition, can the Pauls stay on top of their shitty, awful game? It is with great regret that we must inform you, as reported by The Verge, that there is a new, even worse Paul—this time not a brother but a father. He is Greg Paul, the ur-Paul, and he sucks.

Paulologists have long hypothesized about the existence of a figure such as Greg Paul. The Paul brothers came from somewhere, and if they were not grown in a lab by Vine scientists, then they of course must have a father who is at least in part responsible for their cursed existence. But what is the meaning of Greg Paul’s emergence now, and what does he portend for the future? The Verge’s report cites a terribly edited YouTube video from someone named “Keemstar,” who claims the House Of Paul is in disarray, all due to meddling from Greg Paul. Although that video is embedded below, you really should not watch it.

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According to Keemstar, Jake Paul’s “social media incubator” Team 10 has lately seen a number of defections from somehow-real people with names like Drake Rehfield and Chance Sutton and Kade Speiser. (Again, for your own well-being, please do not click these links.) Keemstar says the reason behind these departures is Greg Paul, who has taken over Team 10 and upon performing an “audit” decided to fire multiple staff members, leading to a number of team members resigning in protest. The elder Paul’s own tweets seem to back this up.

Keemstar also reports that Greg Paul’s business demeanor is commensurate with what one might expect from the father of a person whose business is built on being racist and finding dead bodies in forests. That is, he’s allegedly going around calling employees “whores” and “cunts.”

What’s more, Greg Paul apparently intends to merge the Jake and Logan Paul brands together, though unfortunately not physically, at high speed.

“Jake Paul’s father, known as Greg Paul, has completely taken over Jake Paul and Logan Paul’s businesses and he’s planning to do a merger with the two,” Keemstar claims. “Greg Paul is obsessed with saving money.”

Thankfully for the Paul brothers, in the entire history of entertainment an untalented father taking over the business interests of his (in this case also untalented) children has never once gone wrong. For his part, Jake Paul has released a video claiming the real reason behind the recent departures is not a verbally abusive stage dad but instead that nemesis of all social media stars: the dreaded hater.

“As Team 10 grows, as individuals grow, as I grow, sometimes all of those stars don’t align for some people,” he says. “Some of the people didn’t necessarily agree with where I wanted to go or where my vision was.”

As currently constituted that vision consists of hosting 74-part social media seminars, and tasering dead rats.

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