With polls showing—nauseatingly—it’s still anyone’s race in the Alabama special election for Jeff Sessions’ old senate seat, Stephen Colbert had some thoughts on Tuesday’s Late Show for those Republicans working overtime to prop up noted bigot, twice-fired disgraced judge, and thoroughly alleged sexual predator Roy Moore. In the face of Donald Trump openly campaigning for Moore—now accused by nine women of engaging in sexual harassment and assault when the women were under 18—with the in-all-ways unfortunate advice “Go get ’em,” Colbert went on the offensive against the offensive, as it were.
Mocking Trump’s signature inability to complete a coherent sentence not being read off of a teleprompter (and even then...), Colbert responded to Trump’s excuse that Democratic challenger (and apparent non-molester) Doug Jones was soft on crime. (“We want stopping criminals...”) “We just not wanting stopping sexual assault,” snapped back Colbert, in appropriately cavemen-esque syntax. It should also be noted that “soft on crime” Doug Jones was a longtime U.S. attorney in Alabama who, among other things, successfully prosecuted the Ku Klux Klan members who killed four little black girls in the 1963 Birmingham church terrorist bombing. (Not that Trump has a history of defending the murderous actions of white supremacists or anything.)
Moving onto those people who somehow sleep at night and aren’t pelted with rotten cabbages everywhere they go who work for Moore’s campaign, Colbert was similarly unsparing. Airing a clip of Moore spokesperson Janet Porter scolding CNN’s Poppy Harlow that there is a whole “group of non-accusers” who claim that Roy Moore never cruised the local mall, pestered them in trig class, or sleazed on them while their mothers were in a child custody hearing, Colbert agreed with a mock defense of infamous cannibal Jeffrey Dahmer. (“We forget about all the people he didn’t eat, come on!”) Then, playing another CNN clip, this time of Moore strategist Dean Young saying that, even if Moore were guilty, how was he to know how old they were anyway, Colbert suggested that Young’s alibi about asking a girl’s “momma” for permission might have been a clue. (Plus, Moore’s latest accuser pinpoints her age at 17 from a photograph of the two together, since she’d just gotten her braces removed. Ew.) Colbert concluded by refuting the implied excuse that a 30-ish state official having sex with underage girls is some sort of southern thing that we just don’t get, Colbert explaining that, as a South Carolinian, he’s not buying it, even if he claims that his home state’s motto is “South Carolina: We’re Not Alabama.”
The Alabama election takes place on December 12.