Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Time To Get Gangsta On That Syphilis

Driving home from school in New Orleans every day, I'd always find myself burning with anger and thinking, "God, I really should just kill someone." Nothing would trigger this desire to kill, really. It was just a mid-afternoon spike in the natural murderous rage present in all human beings. And so at every stoplight I'd sharpen the end of my weapon of choice, a spork (for whatever reason, a spork-shiv just made more sense to me for the kind of senseless killing I wanted to do), and scan the streets for possible victims. This would go on for several blocks. But then, right before I could fashion a handle for my spork-shiv out of duct tape, I'd see it: A gigantic white billboard with the words "Thou Shalt NOT Kill" splayed across it in massive black letters.

"Oh, right," I'd whisper to myself before throwing my spork-shiv out of the car window and getting on the interstate towards home.    


Naturally, I thought that the incredibly helpful "Thou Shalt NOT Kill" billboard—it's the underlining of "NOT" that really sells the message—was the best billboard New Orleans would ever have. I was wrong.

Image for article titled Time To Get Gangsta On That Syphilis

(via Slog)

If you're going to be in the STD Prevention Mafia, obviously the "da HIV Awareness Enforcer" is the least impressive one. That's like the little rainforest boy in Captain Planet And The Planeteers whose power was, inexplicably, "heart." While all the other planeteers were commanding tidal waves and fire, the heart boy was throwing feelings. Here, all of the other members of the STD Prevention Mafia are like, "Boom! I'm gonna crush Chlamydia!" "Pow! I'm taking a hit out on Herpes!" "Zot! You hear that? That's the sound of me assassinating Crabs!" And the HIV Awareness Enforcer is just standing there saying, "Uh, be more aware of HIV!"

Still, good effort, everyone.