Marco Rubio, once known across these United States as “Little Marco,” the man who fiendishly sucked water from the teat of a tiny Poland Spring bottle, shall henceforth be known as the “ultimate Flordia Man,” according to a sycophantic, AI-filled report from CBS News’ lead anchor Tony Dokoupil. Capping off another proud day as the world leader in diminishing a once-storied news outlet, Dokoupil gave a tip of the hat to the U.S. Secretary of State, showing off hilarious AI-generated memes of the guy who recently organized the brazen and deadly kidnapping of Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro. In one, he’s the Michelin Man. In another, he’s the Shah of Iran. What’s next? A soccer player? Yup! It’s good to know that Bari Weiss’ CBS News hasn’t lost its sense of humor since gaining unyielding subservience to the White House.
“Finally tonight, and only in America, the many lives and many jobs of Marco Rubio. The son of Cuban immigrants and a former Florida senator, he’s now the face of U.S. foreign policy and President Trump’s point man on Venezuela, all in addition to his roles as secretary of state, interim national security adviser, and acting national archivist and USAID chief,” Dokoupil says. “Whatever you think of his politics, you have to admit, it’s an impressive resume.”
We do have to admit that overseeing the shutdown of USAID, which researchers you probably won’t hear on CBS believe could result in 14 million deaths, is pretty impressive. It’s almost as impressive as Dokoupil, only a week after promising that the viewer came first, “not advertisers, not politicians, not corporate interests, including the new owners of CBS,” making sure he served one viewer first. While CBS loves America and makes no apologies for it, they might love Rubio more. It’s the type of situationship that could make for a very funny Distracted Boyfriend meme. Just imagine, Mr. Dokopulki holding hands with America while sneaking a peek at a very handsome little Marco walking by. We’re sure Grok can whip that up, and then remove all the clothes from the people in the picture.
“Back in real life, of course these memes might not add up to much,” Dokoupil concludes as he suppresses many very real and hearty laughs at the idea of Marco Rubio as, get this, the head of Hilton Hotels, “but to Rubio’s hometown fans, which, uh, are many around here in Miami, it’s a sign of how Florida, once an American punchline, has become a leader on the world stage. Marco Rubio, we salute you. You’re the ultimate Florida Man. And that’s another day in America.”
Dokoupil is right about that. It truly has been another day in America.
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