A horrifying, sharp-toothed monster that devours everything in its path with the force of nature’s blindest fury is making its way to theaters, and also, hey, they’re making another Sharknado movie.
This joke brought to you by an odd little confluence of film news on a Friday evening, including reports today—courtesy of Deadline—that Sony is moving forward with plans to get inexplicably popular doll brand Labubu into theaters. Moved, we can only assume, by the same divine artistic spirit that previously allowed Trolls, Bratz, and Uglydolls to dance across the silver screen, the film would allow the Chinese plush brand to continue its domination of young American minds, which previously crossed the vaunted “South Park made fun of it” line of cultural relevance. What does Labubu want? Who does Labubu fight? What quest does Labubu embark upon? These are questions for those menials known as screenwriters to eventually unearth from the pitiful muck of human creativity; for now, you merely need know that Labubu is coming, and, if you’ve got kids, they’re probably going to be pretty goddamn annoying about it.
Meanwhile, it somehow feels less absurd to note that Sharknado is coming back—in prequel form! This is per Variety, which reports that studio Asylum has decided it’s time to follow modern horror trends once again by launching Sharknado Origins, the seventh film in the direct-to-absolutely-not-theaters franchise. (And the first since 2018’s now tragically inaccurate The Last Sharknado.) In what is either an effort not to fuck up established continuity—which already involves time machines, chainsaws, and a cybernetic Tara Reid—or maybe just to not have to pay Reid or Ian Ziering to come back and yell at a tennis ball, the film will be a prequel focused on beloved characters April and Fin in their teenaged years, when young love is torn asunder by, what else, the very first giant tornado filled with sharks.
We leave it as an exercise to the readers to determine which of these developments is dumber; we, personally, have a vein in the side of our forehead whose throbbing serves as a fairly good barometer for this kind of thing, but we know that not everyone is quite as blessed.
