Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Commentary Tracks Of The Damned: Postal

Illustration for article titled Commentary Tracks Of The Damned: Postal


Giving Uwe Boll cultists their very own Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back

Assuming audiences care enough about Uwe Boll and his war with critics, studios, distributors, stars, and the world at large to tolerate an endless deluge of in-jokes


Wasting a strangely inspired performance by Dave Foley and his naked penis

Sullying the good name and spotless reputation of national treasure Verne Troyer

Defender: Writer-director-producer-actor Uwe Boll

Tone of commentary: Angry, confrontational, political, arrogant, deluded, self-righteous, and all over the place. In a rambling, digressive commentary characterized by a level of paranoia not often seen outside psychiatric institutions, Boll quotes Marx and rails against agents, movie stars, Rob Schneider's brother, studios, President Bush, Islamic fundamentalists, the German film industry, the political exploitation of 9/11, the media, and spineless suits reluctant to finance his drama about genocide in Sudan. (Seriously!) 

As in previous commentaries, Boll lashes out petulantly in mangled English at movies that outgrossed his masterpieces, whining, "The movie is shit, First Sunday. Ice Cube is a total disaster, but the people went because they're all victims of the advertising industry… You think In The Name Of The King was less quality than B.C. 10,000, then you are out of your mind." Yeah! Everyone knows Boll's In The Name Of The King had a more-good plot than First Sunday.

Boll posits Postal as a corrective to the formulaic comedies of Will Ferrell, Ben Stiller, and Owen Wilson. In a characteristic act of sensitivity, he quips, "Owen Wilson, who didn't make suicide. I understand why he's suicidal. [Chuckling.] I would also be suicidal, always making the same shit, cashing in the money instead of taking on some real parts."


You know who else wouldn't take on real parts? Sarah Silverman, Rob Schneider, Ron Perlman, Jamie Kennedy, and David Cross, none of whom had the brass cojones to appear in Postal. As part of his grand symphony of self-pity, Boll complains, "Sarah Silverman is so funny, but then she plays only in that studio movies. Or David Cross, he passed also on it because it was too harsh for him. But then you see them onstage, and they're really harsh onstage, but then they pussy out in front of Hollywood and playing, like, stupid small parts in studio movies to be part of the system and to get the money."

Asian drivers similarly rank high on Boll's overstuffed shit list. During a scene where a cop shoots an elderly Asian woman in the face with a shotgun, Boll explains, "In Vancouver, a lot of times if you want to turn left, you have people in front of you, a lot of times Asian drivers, and they don't drive, they don't move left if you want [them] to move left. I was so many times in my car screaming, flipping out at the drivers, that this was my special private scene here in the movie. It's what I really wanted to do with these people on a daily basis, driving like retards."


What went wrong: The people behind the videogame Postal originally wrote what Boll describes as a Taxi Driver-like dramatic script for the film version. This caused Boll, in a deep depression over the paltry domestic box-office of Bloodrayne, to pull out the old typewriter and write the film himself as a way of getting even "against the fans, the Boll-haters, with myself, with the whole political people around me." Major talent agencies refused to let their actors appear in the film on the grounds that the script was too "disgusting, insulting and over-the-top" for their clients. Many of the actors Boll wanted passed (see above), and distributors refused to take the film out of fear of being attacked by Islamic fundamentalists. Basically, the whole world was conspiring against Uwe Boll, just like it does every time he makes a movie. Truly, he is the most oppressed man in the history of the universe.

Comments on the cast: A sort of human IMDB, Boll rattles off key credits for pretty much everyone in the movie. He praises Foley for agreeing to extensive full-frontal nudity that wasn't even in the script. Boll laughingly tells viewers that if they want to cast the morbidly obese Postal cast member who previously appeared in Good Luck Chuck, you'll need to reserve "the whole airplane," because she takes up "more than two seats."


Inevitable dash of pretension: "I have the courage. This movie is full of courage. This movie is not pussying out for nobody. This movie is insulting the people that have now the power, who can now destroy my career. They can now sue me. They can now kill me, like the fundamentalists. I give a shit about the fucking Mufti shit, and about the Muslims or whatever, or Muhammad, because I give a shit about the whole religious stuff."

The commentary in a nutshell: "If you are offended to see that movie [Postal], it is your mistake, because you got the wrong education, and the wrong childhood, and the wrong things, basically, the wrong thinking. You have to change, not the movie."