Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
(Photo: Rodin Eckenroth/FilmMagic)

The Shape Of Water’s sex scenes have sparked a lot of discussion, most of which has centered on what a potentially divine amphibian’s dick would look like. All this scaly speculation has already inspired the creation of a dildo, called the “Jewel Of The Amazon,” which has already sold out online (though the maker, XenoCatArtifacts, promises a limited quantity will be released ahead of the Oscars).

But this is one movie tie-in that isn’t really going over well with the director and star. Apparently, Doug Jones, our most prominent portrayer of feature creatures, would much rather his performance in the awards-season favorite wasn’t immortalized in glowing silicone. The Star Trek: Discovery actor tells The Wrap, “[w]ith a light chuckle, I can tell you it’s not exactly what I’d hoped for.”


“After pouring my heart, soul, blood, sweat, and tears into this romantic, beautiful, magical role, the last thing I want to be remembered for is a silicone appendage that comes in two sizes,” Jone says while also noting he’s “had several real action figures made of my creature roles in the past—all done in good taste.” And he’s right that his turns in the Hellboy franchise and Pan’s Labyrinth didn’t lead to Abe Sapien or Faun-inspired sex toys, although the former would probably jibe with what XenoCatArtifacts has envisioned for his newest merman.

Director Guillermo Del Toro isn’t any more amused or flattered by the textured dildo, observing that “Dunkirk doesn’t have that problem” (not yet, anyway). But ultimately, it seems the real issue is that the Jewel Of The Amazon, which doesn’t come with cloaca, doesn’t accurately capture the godlike creature’s, um, essence. “I don’t think it’s an accurate representation. It’s some form of fan art… I guess,” Del Toro says. The director didn’t expand on what the XenoCatArtifacts got wrong about the fishman dick, but given how detailed all of his creatures have been to date, it’s fair to assume he’s given it some thought.


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