Caged Fury (1989)
Director:
Bill Milling
Tagline: they learned their lesson the hard way!
Plot: If you ever have to explain the concept of in
medias res to
someone, consider showing the first five minutes of Caged Fury, which begins with a
lingerie-clad prisoner Shawshanking her way out of a cell via a hole hidden behind
a poster of some superhunks. The action then shifts to an oily, mulleted guard
named Spyder (played by veteran character actor Gregory Scott Cummins, fresh
from a short stint as a punter for the San Diego Chargers) confronting a
slacking co-worker and, out of nowhere, coming at the dude with a straight razor:
Meanwhile, on a ranch in Utah (and in a seemingly
unrelated film), Roxanna Michaels (as "Cat") prepares to leave her overprotective
daddy and pursue her dreams of becoming a movie star in Hollywood. On her way
through the desert, she runs into veteran Pacific Coast hustler April Dawn
Dollarhide, who suggests they both crash with a friend of hers, sleazy
"fashion" photographer Blake Bahner, who greets our heroine by sidling up
behind her, breathing on her neck and saying, "Cat, huh? As in pussy?"
The three new best friends head to a Sunset Strip
metal club, where Michaels is almost raped by a biker gang, but is saved in the
nick of time by motorcycle stunt rider Erik Estrada and his kickboxing
mercenary buddy Richard Barathy (who's fought in "'Nam… Beirut… Tripoli,"
according to Estrada). To show her gratitude, Michaels invites Estrada back to
the photographer's pad, where Bahner offers them "some kick-ass blow." (When
Estrada declines, Bahner shrugs, "Whatever floats your boat, homeboy.")
The threads of the movie finally converge when the
photographer introduces Michaels to some movie producers, who shoot a scene
with her pretending to be a prostitute, then use the footage in a fake trial
for solicitation, before sticking her in a fake prison that's really a front
for a white-slavery ring. Fortunately, Michaels has some guardian angels
looking after her. One is her sister, Elena Sahagun, who may be the skankiest
rancher's daughter in Utah:
Unfortunately for Michaels, Sahagun's bright idea
for finding her missing sister is to retrace her steps so precisely that she
too ends up in fake jail. Fortunately for Michaels and Sahagun, the smitten
Estrada is on the case. Unfortunately for the two ladies—and for
anyone who rented Caged Fury hoping to watch Estrada in action—he
quickly takes a bullet and disappears for most of the rest of the movie,
leaving Barathy to locate the fake prison and engage in a 20-minute fight scene
that rivals the climax of Hard Boiled, only with more kickboxing, more lingerie, and
more campy cameos by Ron Jeremy:
Finally, Barathy frees the slaves and they go
streaming out of their hellhole and into the daylight, discovering that all
along they've been warehoused in an office park across the street from
Grauman's Chinese Theater. The escapees leap about with glee, presumably
savoring the irony.