Life is pretty much an unrelenting misery for anyone unlucky enough to have been born into George R.R. Martin’s A Song Of Ice And Fire universe. If you’re not yet imprisoned in a dank cell by religious zealots or getting tortured into insanity by a gleeful psychopath, you’re probably just biding time in squalor until you’re immolated by wildfire or dragon’s breath. The only thing that you can really do is try to stay busy and keep your mind off the supernatural deep freeze that will befall the land at the coming of The Great Other. Problem is, jobs are hard to come by on a continent so recently ravaged by war and still continuously plundered by various parties of reavers. Luckily, the Westeros Recruitment website is here to help the small folk find gainful employment.
Tired of feeling like your inability to speak more than one word is a stumbling block in your career? This might be the opportunity for you:
Personal Assistant To Bran Stark
As Bran Stark’s personal assistant you will be tasked with aiding him on his adventures throughout Westeros and beyond The Wall. Because of his disability, you will be required to carry him while simultaneously performing other duties to the best of your abilities. So skipping leg day at the gym is not an option.
Main Responsibilities
- Carry Bran Stark and ensure his objectives are met
- Protect him from dangerous individuals
- Follow Bran Stark’s orders to the best of your ability without question
- Hold the door when requested
Do you like traveling the world, pretending to be other people, and peeling the faces off of cadavers’ skulls? Might wanna take a look at this amazing opportunity:
Apprentice At The House Of Black And White
The House Of Black And White is a temple in Braavos dedicated to the Many-Faced God. It also serves as the headquarters of the guild of assassins known as the Faceless Men. It sits alone on a small island in the lagoon of Braavos. The role specifies that no one apply, which makes our job kind of difficult in retrospect.
Main Responsibilities
- Become no one
- Cleanse dead bodies
- Devote yourself to the Many Faced God Of Death
- Assassinate when a name is given
The parody website is unfortunately not totally on the level with regard to these Westerosi jobs. In reality, it’s a marketing website for Time Recruitment, which is both good in that it could actually lead to a phase of people’s lives, and bad in that the position for Warden Of The North is probably not available.