Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.
Pop culture obsessives writing for the pop culture obsessed.

Paramount Plus says, fuck it, let’s debut a new movie every week

Paramount Mountain
Paramount Mountain
Screenshot: Paramount

Streaming service Paramount+ has decided that you need more movies in your life. In fact, you need a proverbial “Mountain of Movies” to the tune of a new one every week. No longer satisfied with filling the platform with Yellowstone spinoffs (that will keep dads on the phone with their kids for the next three years asking if they’ve seen something called 6666 or Y:1883), ViacomCBS plans to debut one new movie every week on the streaming service in 2022 and more than 1,000 titles next month.

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Per The Hollywood Reporter, During the ViacomCBS’ first-quarter earnings conference call Thursday, CEO Bob Bakish warned investors that soon he would crush consumers with content, starting with the upcoming Mark Wahlberg movie, the appropriately titled, Infinite. Bakish says that he’s seen the film, calling it “fun” and that it will “create a lot of noise.” Curiously enough, he continues, “People love Mark Wahlberg,” which really puts this whole endeavor into stark perspective.

The “Mountain of Movies” marketing campaign will begin this summer as the company promises to bring the total number of films on the platform to 2,500 by July. Don’t worry, the campaign won’t solely be filled with Mark Wahlberg projects, but rather movies people presumably like, such as The Avengers (the superhero one, not the Ralph Fiennes one), Rocketman (the Elton John one, not the Harland Williams one), and probably one more that fits this joke structure.

As for movies released in theaters (remember those?), Bakish says that they’re going to be giving upcoming potential blockbusters a 45-day theatrical lead. This means you’ll have a month-and-a-half head start on making A Quiet Place Part II fart jokes on Twitter before it hits streamers when everyone will make the same jokes (but you’ll be first, and that’s all that matters). “In addition, new original movies like Paranormal Activity, and The In Between will premiere on Paramount+ by the end of ’21,” he said. “All of this is a preview to a substantial ramping up of original movies next year, when we expect to begin averaging an original movie a week in 2022.”

However, Bakish was a little quieter on how all this will all work, referencing a dozen “short-window pay 1" movies, which sounds a whole lot like you’ll have to pay a premium for the Paw Patrol movie. “We will have more on this in the months ahead,” said Bakish, before pivoting to “People love movies”—and presumably hanging up the phone and getting on a plane to money island.

There you have it. Movies are back, baby. Now, prepare to be crushed under the massive weight of the Paramount+-induced decision paralysis.