Social media becomes oppressive reminder of mortality thanks to new FaceApp filter

By Randall Colburn  |  July 17, 2019 | 4:16pm
Aux Features FaceApp
Social media becomes oppressive reminder of mortality thanks to new FaceApp filter
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FaceApp, the ever-viral app from a Russian tech company that definitely isn’t using your photos for nefarious purposes, is making the rounds again, this time for transforming young, vibrant faces into old, weathered ones. We’re going to look at some and laugh, but not before reminding you everything is bad and the tech giants are storing your face in a database and watching our every movement in dark rooms filled with smoke, computers, and assault rifles.

Anyways, look at how old Tyrese Gibson and Ludacris look on the set of Fast And Furious 9. Wow, the perils of franchise filmmaking!

But let’s get serious: How the hell are all of you making yourselves old without crumbling beneath the specter of your fragile, tissue-thin mortality? Every day we’re closer to death, our fleshy sacks spewing vile fluids as our brittle bones crumble like broken bits of sidewalk chalk.

Look, it’s the Avengers, but old. Not Paul Rudd, though, because Paul Rudd doesn’t age.

Even were he to age, though, FaceApp proves that old Rudd can still get it.

Honestly, though, it’s a lot better to slot celebrities into this app, as their faces are going to be plastered on propaganda and European billboards anyways. Look at old Gordon Ramsey, who’s never too old to tell you your chicken ballotine is raw.

The Kardashians are old. So is Terry Crews and the Jonas Brothers, who apparently think humans live for 1,000 years.

Aging the Donald Trump wax sculpture makes it look like Preacher’s butthole-faced guy. Aging Matthew Lillard’s Shaggy makes us want to die.

You can even age cartoons, apparently. Look at Old Andy from Toy Story. Or don’t, ‘cause it just makes those movies more depressing.

Now that we’ve had our fun, please delete the app.

 
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