E.T.: The Extra-Terrestrial 30th Anniversary

By Sean O'Neal | May 31, 2012 | 4:50pm

Aux News Coming Distractions

Last fall saw the very public repentance of Steven Spielberg, who—haunted by the specters of "special edition" sins—vowed to turn away from the digitally inserted dark side that had swallowed his pal George Lucas. Determined to demonstrate that there was still good in him, Spielberg said he had "lived to regret" the infamous changes he'd made to E.T. upon its 2002 re-release, where he'd eliminated utterances of "penis breath" and replaced all guns with CGI walkie-talkies in order to save civilization from sinking into a hellish quagmire of vulgarity and violence. But now that we're well past the point of no return on that, rejoice, fellow reprobates, for the guns and dick jokes that were so crucial to your development have been restored for October's 30th anniversary Blu-ray release.

This trailer sadly doesn't feature Elliott's famed retort (though Spielberg has made assurances that it's back in), but at the 25-second mark, you'll see those guns—those glorious, untouched guns—right where they belong. Guns! Guns! Guns! Dear Steven Spielberg, thank you for the guns. But so long as you're repenting, please give everyone some guns. Digitally insert some Gatling guns on those bikes. Instead of E.T. healing flowers with his glow-finger, have him shoot them with some guns. When little Drew Barrymore screams, a gun should come out of her mouth and then fire another tiny gun. More guns! Sincerely, us.