Here’s what’s up in the world of TV for Wednesday, September 23. All times are Eastern.
Empire (Fox, 9 p.m.): Drip drop. Drip drippity drop. That’s how you boil the most popular show on TV to its most basic elements. Right, Joshua Alston? (Kayla Kumari Upadhyaya’s pre-air review of the season’s first three episodes is far more advanced.)
You’re The Worst (FXX, 10:30 p.m.): With fall television coming back so quickly, we can’t believe we’ve had to wait until its third episode to give You’re The Worst any version of the Top pick. (Just so you know, You’re The Worst is the true Top pick for your friendly, neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor every day of the week.) This week, in “Born Dead,” “Gretchen makes an attempt to reconnect with her old group of friends by throwing herself a housewarming party” while “Jimmy does his best to affirm his belief that friends are for babies.” Vikram Murthi just so happens to agree with Jimmy on that one, so don’t be surprised when his review turns into an anti-friends (or possibly anti-Friends) rant.
Modern Family (ABC, 9 p.m.): Fresh off of not winning every single Emmy, Modern Family is back for its seventh season. What do you got for us, Modern Family? “Hayley [sic] and Alex’s relationship statuses go back and forth between hot and cold as the summer comes to a close.” Going into further detail (besides the fact that the press release decided Haley should now be known as “Hayley”), Haley’s attempt to stop Andy (Adam DeVine) from proposing to his girlfriend Beth makes things very awkward… and Phil and Claire do their best to make it all even more awkward. As for Alex’s relationship stuff, the press release doesn’t actually mention Alex again until it lists the cast. Review Kyle Fowle finds it funny how a press release can really mirror a show’s treatment of a character.
Black-ish (ABC, 9:30 p.m.): ABC. The n-word. LaToya Ferguson. If the season two premiere of Black-ish doesn’t lead to one of the most awkward reviews in the history of TV Club, then let’s all consider it a win.
Moonbeam City (Comedy Central, 10:30 p.m.): Is it time for a children’s rave already? It is, Moonbeamers. (Is that what you’re calling yourselves? Hopefully!) This week’s Moonbeam City is all about children’s raves and true crime show re-enactments, which just so happen to be two of Jesse Hassenger’s favorite things.
Survivor (CBS, 8 p.m.)
South Park (Comedy Central, 10 p.m.)
The League (FXX, 10 p.m.)
At 10 a.m., look for the latest TV Club Questionnaire, where Erik Adams speaks with Morris Chestnut about his shirtlessness in his new Fox series. You know you want to. If you can’t wait, Joshua Alston has a pre-air review of said new series, Rosewood, for you to enjoy. It just has far less shirtless.
Would you look at the time: It’s the 25th anniversary of Fox’s Get A Life. In honor of the occasion, Charles Bramesco has written a For Our Consideration about the show’s legacy. Basically, for those of you who actually have a life and missed out on the series, now’s as good a time as any to seek it out and watch.
Total Drama: The Ridonculous Race (Cartoon Network, 5 p.m.): Shows with “ridonculous” in the title need love too.
Young & Hungry (ABC Family, 8 p.m.): This Wednesday, there’s no new Kevin From Work (we don’t know why either), so instead, we get two back-to-back episodes of Young & Hungry. First, there’s “Young & How Sofia Got Her Groove Back,” which is one of those episode titles that makes us think Young & Hungry doesn’t understand its own episode title structure. Then, there’s “Young & Trashy,” which is better, we guess.
America’s Next Top Model (The CW, 8 p.m.): In “The Girl Who Got All Dolled Up,” Tyra has created the perfect opportunity to talk about all things Life-Size and the possible Life-Size 2! “The models are tasked with creating a PSA in front of a harsh team of critics… kids! At the photoshoot, the guys and girls…have to pose as life size dolls.” A little advice to the models: Shine bright, shine far, be a star.
Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives (Food Network, 8 p.m.): Do you need an hour of Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives in your life tonight? According to Food Network, you do!
Rosewood (Fox, 8 p.m.): Morris Chestnut is a doctor, but even he can’t fix what’s killing him. Also, he works with a detective to solve crimes. We’re not kidding.
The Mysteries Of Laura (NBC, 8 p.m.): Over the hiatus, we’ve had some time to think about what would really take The Mysteries Of Laura to the next level, and we decided that it would be to make the theme song “Building A Mystery” by Sarah McLachlan. The entire song, which would play every week after each opening teaser. Don’t act like you wouldn’t find that a little bit fascinating.
Worst Cooks In America (Food Network, 9 p.m.): This is another show going into its seventh season and not just a Comedy Bang! Bang! sketch come to life.
Law & Order: Special Victims Unit (NBC, 9 p.m.): There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. There are now 17 seasons of Law & Order: SVU. (This is a two hour season premiere, by the way.)
Big Brother (CBS, 9:30 p.m.): Who will win the title of… Um… “Biggest Brother”? (Just go with it.) Find out tonight in the 90-minute season finale.
Nashville (ABC, 10 p.m.): One minute you’re finally coming to terms with the fact that Nashville went in a lot of strange directions in season three (though you will always appreciate it for its inclusion of National Treasure Laura Benanti), the next… Nashville’s back for season four y’all. The episode will probably not be an hour-long philosophical discussion of where it all went wrong compared to Empire, but it will feature Steven Tyler as himself. Jade St. John, come back!
Suddenly Royal (TLC, 10 p.m.): TLC’s very loose television adaptation of King Ralph continues, with the Howes participating in etiquette training to impress the elite of the British Isle of Man.
Twining (VH1, 10 p.m.): Twinning feels like it’s always been on, and it appears that it is always going to be on. Twinning is forever. #Twinning.
TripTank (Comedy Central, 11 p.m.): If you’re reading this, you probably like animated television series—just an observation. So chances are you’ll be interested to know that the animated sketch comedy series known as TripTank returns for a second season tonight. It’s a special night and time, so who knows when the next episode will be. Your friendly, neighborhood What’s On Tonight contributor only cares about one day of the week, and that is Wednesday.
The Exes (TV Land, 11 p.m.): The Exes is actually not on tonight. Sorry about that. Old habits.
Hustle & Flow (MTV, 10 p.m.): It looks like MTV is capitalizing on the return of Empire too. If you want a double dose of Terrence and Taraji after the Empire premiere (and even a double dose of Anthony Anderson after the Black-ish premiere), you know where to find it.
MLB Baseball: Yankees at Blue Jays (ESPN, 7 p.m.)
MLB Baseball: Phillies at Marlins (FSN, 7 p.m.)
MLB Baseball: Diamondbacks at Dodges (ESPN, 10 p.m.)
WWE NXT (WWE Network, 8 p.m.)
Impact Wrestling (Destination America, 9 p.m.)
Ring Of Honor (Destination America, 11 p.m.)
Scream Queens: LaToya Ferguson began her weekly coverage of American Horror Story: Sorority.